1. Break out the bronzer. Apparently it's okay to like the Cullens but not look like one at an interview. One of the interviewers kept asking me if I was okay before the interview, like she was scared I was going to pass out before she could say, "So tell me about yourself." I guess the whole "pale is the new tan" movement still hasn't reached Atlanta.
2. Buy one of those baseball caps that come with a little fan attached to the brim. Maybe it won't make the greatest impression at an interview, but it might make a better one than sweaty, pale white girl.
3. If I can't find the cap, find a short-sleeve business suit that doesn't scream, "Mother of the bride!" Long sleeve suits and 100 degree weather just don't mix.
4. Put on the sensible Aerosole loafers. Yesterday I wore what I thought were sensible kitten heels, but I forgot that they were sensible kitten heels with not-so-sensible, pointed toes. My pinky toes looked like I had stuck them in boiling water when I finally took off the shoes late yesterday afternoon, and today it still hurts to touch them. Next time I'm choosing comfort over style. If end up in Glamour magazine with a black stripe over my eyes because of it, so be it.
5. Hook up a catheter and a caffeine drip under my clothes. Yesterday morning I only drank half a can of Coke because I was scared I would get lost and have that exploding-bladder issue that I had the last time I had an interview downtown. When the interview was over, I didn't drink the other half. Instead, I ran some errands, bought a cherry icee, ate a late lunch, and took a long nap. Then I woke up around 7 p.m. feeling like I had an elephant sitting on my forehead, an elephant named Caffeine Withdrawal that took me hours to get rid of. So next time I go for an interview, I'm drinking the entire can of Coke beforehand, and then I'm either hooking up a catheter or buying a box of adult-size diapers to wear under my clothes.
6. Run all errands beforehand. Buying a Father's Day card at Walmart the Friday before Father's Day is like buying a wedding dress the morning of a Bridal Barn sale. I was lucky I made it out of there alive.
7. Figure out if there is a way to program the TV to go mute every time an I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercial comes on. I wasn't kidding yesterday when I said I had Megan Mullaly's version of Turn the Beat Around stuck in my head both during and before the interview. It has been there for three days now. One more day, and I may eat my way through a tub of fake butter just to get it out.
8. Hunt down my evil twin and have her do the interview. People do it on soaps all the time. Why cant I?
9. If I can't find my evil twin, take a "How Not to Look Like a Country Hick" course at the local tech school. I think I was the only person yesterday who used a crosswalk to cross the street. I might as well have worn a T-shirt that said, "I live in the burbs."
10. Sleep. I can never sleep the night before an interview. I need to watch my old A-team DVDs, figure out what exactly it was they slipped in Mr. T's milk every episode to get him on the plane, and put it my own Silk, that or teach the dogs to knock me over the head the night before.
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