You know those address plaques that some houses have that have the house numbers or welcome on them, like this one from JustAddressPlaques.com?
Well after this morning I need one that says, "Manscaper needed. Apply inside," and a big arrow pointing to my next door neighbor's house.
I was in my front yard attempting to cut my grass. I say attempting because halfway in I ran over some of that orange string that home improvement stores use to bind their pine straw bales and had to stop. I don't know where the string came from. I haven't bought any pine straw since last year so I can only assume someone threw it out and it blew or landed in my front yard. (Just search this blog for things I have found in my front yard. I really need an address plaque that says, "My yard is not your trash can.")
Anyway, after I ran over it, I also ran over some metal thing that lodged in the side of one of the wheels. I couldn't keep cutting grass like that so I had to turn the mower off, sit down in my hot driveway, and try to dislodge the metal thing from the wheel and the orange twine from the blades. While I'm doing that, out comes my next door neighbor, the one who has to wash his car every single day, even though it seems to rain every single afternoon. (There's another address sign for you. "Put down the hose, and step away from the car.") At first I thought he was going to wash his car again, and I silently laughed because I hoped that the grass clippings would stick to the wet car. After a few minutes, however, I realized that he was going to do something else--wax it.
Instead of a silent laugh, that realization got an eye roll. The guy's car is just as old as mine. Wax isn't going to do it a lot of good. All it's going to do is highlight the car's old age, but try telling my neighbor that. I tried to ignore the guy as I tried unsuccessfully to start the mower, which wasn't that hard at first because he was on the side of the car farthest from me. However, once I realized that the mower wasn't going to cooperate, I headed for the garage to get the weed eater, while he headed for the passenger side of the car just a few feet away. As I dragged the weed eater out of the garage and began untangling the extension cord, Mr. Car Wash leaned over to wax the hood and that's when I saw it.
VBC better known as visible butt crack.
And it wasn't just your garden variety VBC either. It was hairy, saggy, pale, and topped off by an equally hairy, saggy, pale muffin top. I wanted to run screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!" but I couldn't. I had to finish the lawn so instead I swallowed the bile that made its way up my throat, averted my eyes, and tried to cut that little strip of grass that divides our driveways without looking up. I couldn't look at it at that distance, not if I valued my eyesight. I'm pretty sure if you look directly into a VBC, it will be like looking at a solar eclipse. You'll go blind.
Somehow I managed to complete the task, and then I practically ran to the backyard as, "Don't look. Don't look. Don't look," echoed through my head. Two hours later, after I had finished the yard work, cooled off, showered, and ate lunch, I looked out the window to see that Mr. Car Wash was still outside, still working on the car, and still in desperate need of a belt, and thought, "Man, that's going to burn."
Red, saggy, hairy VBC. Even better.
Yes, I need a sign, a huge one that tells Mr. Car Wash in no uncertain terms that he needs to wax more than just his car. Unfortunately, while JustAddressPlaques.com carries a variety of specialty plaques, including bone shaped, private property, and garage signs, they don't seem to carry one that addresses a hairy neighbor. I guess I'll just have to make it myself then or leave a bottle of Nair at his door.
This post is brought to you by your friends at JustAddressPlaques.com.
