To: Anyone who actually liked Flat Ass Fridays
From: Someone who didn't
Re: Sayanora, Flat Ass Fridays!
I will no longer be doing Flat Ass Fridays. It was fun for a few weeks, but lately it has been rather tiring. I only continued to do it because I thought the person who thought of it was still doing it, and I didn't want to deny her the MckLinky link. However, since she has decided that she no longer likes the idea and does not wish to participate, I'm getting rid of it all together.
Quite frankly, the concept made me feel like a fraud. While I could continue to make up 10 or 20 reasons why I should like something that I would otherwise hate about myself, I would be lying to say that I would actually believe those reasons or that I would suddenly find self-love after writing them. I wouldn't, and I haven't. The truth is I still hate my ass, my nose, my inability to deal with junk mail in a timely fashion, my bad sense of direction, my shoe size, and every other flaw that I have written about since I started Flat Ass Fridays.
An even bigger truth is it is rather pathetic to continue with a meme or weekly topic that no one but yourself takes part in. In Twitter world, Flat Ass Fridays is a #fail.
So sayanora, Flat Ass Fridays. It was not-so-nice knowing you.
_____________________________
To: Anyone confused by my tweets
From: Staci32
Re: My week off
If you don't include the two Oscar tweets that I did last night, I haven't tweeted about TV or hardly anything else for a week. How's that been for you? Is your Twitter stream so much clearer now? Thanks for taking the joy out my only contact with people not related to me.
______________________________
To: Whoever wrote the online directions to the Westin
From: A person who got lost following them
Re: Your poor choice of verbs
Please change "veer" to "turn" right. There is a big difference between the two words. Trust me. I found out the difference the hard way.
_______________________________
To: My uterus
From: A woman who is tired of cramps
Re: Your poor timing
Could you maybe get back on track in the timing department this month? It really wasn't fun having my period last almost the entire month of February. What do you say you just pretend that my daily vitamins are birth control pills and go back to giving me one period every 28 days like a normal uterus, okay? I promise that I'll switch them out for the real thing should I ever get a job that either provides insurance or pays me enough to go to the gynecologist and get a new prescription. Thanks.
____________________________________
To: Chain-smoking granny
From: The other granddaughter whose birthday you chose not to observe
Re: Your attempt to invite yourself to my house
Did you really think that I would want you here or that I would gladly hand over the birdhouses that were going to be your birthday present when you couldn't even bother to so much as send me a card on my birthday? It must be nice to have such a high self-esteem. Hold onto it because it's all you're getting from me. Until I get that birthday card, the unfinished birdhouses are mine. They'll look great in my backyard.
Oh, and thanks so much for not giving a damn on my birthday. It made me feel just oh-so-loved and appreciated that I can hardly wait for next year.
____________________________________
To: Your Majesty
From: Your aunt
Re: "Helping" you with your makeup work
Having me look up all the answers online and tell them to you because you didn't bring home your social studies book is not helping you with your homework. It's doing the homework for you. I did 19 years of homework. I'm not going to do anymore. It's time for you to either remember your book or teach your mother how to use Google so she can look up the answers for you.
By the way, hanging up on me after I "helped" you for three hours because I "made" you write the answer in the wrong place in pen isn't going to make me "help" you in the future. If anything, it's going to make me block your calls on Skype. Tell your mother to get off her sorry ass and buy you some new pencils. That way you can use an eraser like a normal nine-year-old boy. I'm not driving four hours to do so.
________________________
To: Your Highness
From: Your sister
Re: Your son
Get off your ass. Buy your son some pencils. Make sure he has his books when he gets in your car. If he doesn't, pull over, park, drag him back into the building, and make him get them. Then when you get home, make him do his homework before he plays with other kids or turns on the Xbox. Grow up. Buy some clothes that don't say "Pink" on the ass, and don't call me to "help" your child with his homework when Idol and SVU are on.
I think that about covers it. If it doesn't, there's always next week's memo.
_____________________________
To: The Toothless Wonder
From: Your daughter
Re: What you think I specialize in
Please stop telling people that I specialize in one kind of law or the other. In case you missed it, I was a law clerk for more than four years, which means I didn't specialize in anything other than staring at a computer all day, getting yelled at by attorneys and pro se parties who couldn't get there way, and being told my boss that I couldn't do anything right. That doesn't make me a specialist in criminal, family, civil, or any other type of law. It just makes me a loser. If I want people to think I specialize in something, I'll cut up a shoe box lid to look like a business card, print a speciality on it, write Esquire after my name, and hand my card out at Walmart, where I will most likely be working from now until I'm 80. It might work a little better than the free but confusing publicity that you've been giving me.
___________________________
To: Bailey
From: Mommy
Re: Your skin problem
I may have to up your medicated baths to every other day until they turn off the gas and we no longer have hot water. You're starting to have more bald spots than a Rogaine commercial. Don't say I didn't warn you.
____________________________
To: Miley
From: An Oscar viewer
Re: The satin bustier
A bustier may be appropriate for the MTV Movie Awards. It may even be appropriate for People's Choice or SAG. It is not appropriate for the Oscars.
That being said, if you insist on wearing another bustier to the Academy Awards next year, could you possibly try to stand up straight in it? Slouching is hardly becoming.
_______________________
To: The Academy
From: The same Oscar viewer
Re: Your memorial montage
Her name is Farrah Fawcett. Yeah, maybe she wasn't the best actress ever. Maybe no one would ever confuse her with Meryl Streep, but she was an actress who made movies and who died this past movie year. If you can include Michael Jackson, a non actor, in your montage, you can damn sure include a Charlie's freakin' Angel.
Hell, the fact that an entire nation copied Farrah's haircut in the 70's was reason alone to earn her a spot in that montage. The Fawcett-O'Neal clan deserves a big public apology from you, as does Bea Arthur's family. She also did a few movies. If you don't believe me, look at IMDB.com. They're there. Bea Arthur had just as much right to be there as anyone else. What a let down.
