To: Larry Platt
From: Someone tired of hearing your song
Re: Your 15 minutes of fame
Larry, I'm going to give it to you straight. I liked Pants on the Ground in the beginning. I found it rather catchy. However, it has been played so much lately that it's no longer just catchy; it's like a virus that makes you run from both ends. If you plan on extending your 15 minutes of fame to 30, could you maybe write a different song? There are so many other fashion atrocities you can sing about--black pantyhose with white shoes, whale tail, camel toe, and, of course, the she-mullet.
Use the force, Larry. Change the fashion world. Just please stop singing about those damn pants.
_________________________________
To: Anyone considering going to the tag office anytime soon
From: Someone who was there yesterday
Re: Tag office etiquette
If you need to ask the tag clerks a million questions or if you don't have the first clue what you're supposed to bring with you to acquire your tag, please call ahead first. Believe it or not, no one, including me and the 80-year-old lady with the leopard print, faux fur coat and cane in front of me, wants to stand in line for an hour while you try to get your act and your brain cells together.
_________________________________
To: My county's tax commissioner
From: A pissed off tax payer
Re: The smell of BS in the air and on the wall
When you sent out our property tax bills a few months ago, you informed us that the county decided to do away with the homestead exemption because it needed to make up for a shortage in county funds. Well, I now know where that shortage came from. It wasn't because you needed to pay county employees. It wasn't because you wanted to improve schools or pave roads. No, it's because you wanted to put an LCD screen on every corner and every wall in the admin building. There were two gigantic Vizios in the clerk area of the tag office alone. It's really nice to know that the admin staff's ability to watch the Weather Channel all day is more important than your constituents' ability to pay their taxes in full. In case you missed it, we're in a recession. The employment rate in this state is around 10 percent. Several hundred dollars added to our bills affects us a lot worse than you missing Jim Catore or your staff missing their soaps. Then again, since when has a constituent's welfare ever mattered to a politician?
____________________________________
To: ABC.com
From: A Lost viewer
Re: Your online episodes
I understand why you have to show commercials during online episodes; it's how you pay for them. What I don't understand is why you can't mix them up a little. You've single-handedly made me hate whats-her-name from Will & Grace. Every time I see her on TV now, I want to get up, go to the kitchen, grab my tub of margarine, and throw it at my TV screen. Ditto for the Muppets and Disney World. Were there no other sponsors available?
And why we're on the topic of online episodes and commercials, it would be nice if you could play around with your code so that the commercial plays in full screen, too. Every now and then, the episode will not return to full screen afterward, even when I repeatedly hit the full screen button, and I'm then forced to either watch the remainder in the small screen or reload the entire episode.
______________________
To: The local Petsmart
From: A pissed off shopper
Re: Your attitude today
As much money as I spend there, I can't believe you had the audacity to give me attitude because I wanted to return the eyewash I had bought less than five minutes before. It's not my fault that you stocked the shelves incorrectly. I shouldn't have to inspect the UPC code on every single product that I purchase to make sure you placed that product above the correct price tag. If I wanted to play Inspector Gadget, I'd just go to Walmart. I shouldn't also be treated like some con artist or shoplifter because I want to return the product once I realize it is actually $3 more than I thought. Three dollars may not be much to you, but it's a McChicken Meal to me.
So guess what. You can take your attitude and shove it. Unless I have no other choice in the matter, I don't plan on returning to your store anytime soon. I'll just pay more online.
FYI: Bausch & Lomb sells the exact same eye wash for a little over $3. The only difference between it and the $8.99 one you got such an attitude about is it's marketed towards humans. That's it. Just like the only difference between the $13 Benadryl you sell and the $3 Benadryl at Walmart is the label on the box.
___________________________
To: The people who have been spamming my blog's email address
From: A confused blog owner
Re: The topic of your spam
For some reason, you have decided that having a doctorate and being a medical doctor are one in the same. They're not. Therefore, please stop sending me emails about surgeons and other medical topics. The only surgeons I care about are on General Hospital, and due to some poor storyline choices (cough--Dr. Lisa McSkanky--cough) I barely care about them.
______________________________
To: Tuesday
From: Someone who wishes it was still Monday
Re: Your sneaky ways
Thanks for sneaking up on me. You obviously missed the part where I said I was still behind on Lost. Now instead of cleaning carpet, bathing the dogs, or figuring out ten things that make me happy so I can post my blog award, I get to sit here and watch five episodes of Lost before 8 p.m. Not that watching Lost or drooling over Josh Holloway is a bad way to spend a Tuesday.
It's not. I just thought I would be caught up before you got here.
With that being said, I am now pushing "Publish Post" and beginning "Some Like It Hoth."
(Oh, crap. If that's the one I left off on, I actually have six hours left to watch. Add in an hour of General Hospital--why oh why did they have to drop the Dante/Dominic paternity bomb the same week as Lost returns--and I'm pretty not moving the rest of the day. Crappity, crap, crap!)
