I'm sitting here right now, feeling like a stuffed pig in the rubber ducky pajamas my sister and nephew got me (they have more give than the jeans I was wearing earlier) and wondering when or if I'm going to have room for dinner in an hour or two. It's okay to feel that way on your birthday, right? And it's totally okay to forget about things like calories, fat grams, and the treadmill in your garage.Yes, I'm clearly delusional, but I have decided that temporary delusion is the gift that I'm giving myself today.
I guess my sister felt sorry for the whole grandmother situation that I told you about earlier in the week because she included a $20 bill in the birthday card Chandler picked out for me (only a 9-year-old would send you card that moons you when you open it, LOL) and told me to go buy me Applebee's Carside to Go with it. So that's what I did; I spent the entire $20 on food. Thanks to their two for $20 deal, I got a gigantic appetizer (a huge pile of tortilla chips and a bowl of spinach dip), about three meals worth of three-cheese chicken penne pasta, and a steak dinner (steak, garlic mashed potatoes, and veggies).
And no, I did not eat it all, not yet anyway. I did, however, eat chips, dip, and pasta until I was full. (Okay, I ate them until I was a little more than full. Sue me.)
Then once His Majesty got home from school, I put the laptop on the table, turned on Skype, and did the whole birthday cake thing while he and Her Highness watched. I guess when I forgot to take the cardboard off the frozen pizza at Thanksgiving and cooked the pizza and cardboard together, my sister realized that there was no way I could manage to bake a cake on my own. Instead of sticking another $10 in the card for me to buy one, she went on 1800baskets.com and bought me one. Here's a picture of what the cake looks like on the web site:
I think she must have temporarily lost her mind when she did so because she said the cake cost about $50 after shipping. Fifty dollars for a cake. All I could say was, "Holy crap."
Let me tell you, $50 cakes are $50 for a reason. The chocolate icing was so rich my eyes started to water. I had to reload the vanilla ice cream just to get through it. You couldn't possibly eat a big piece of the cake in one sitting. If you did, you would end up in a sugar coma in less than an hour. Seriously, there would be IVs, backless paper gowns, pink bed pans, the whole medical nine yards.
Anyway, now I'm burping the cake and pasta and thinking about when I'll feel like getting to that steak. I know I should get on the treadmill or do something other than just sit here until that time comes, but I just can't do it. It's my birthday. I should do things that I want to do, not things I ought to do, on my birthday, right? That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
That's why, despite the fact that I may start oinking soon, I will continue to sit here in my pajamas, reading the end of The Bricklayer until primetime TV starts, and let the fat and calories go to places that on any other day I would rather not let it go. At some point I'm going to get up and eat even more fat and calories. Then I'm going to sit down and let it go unburned yet again.
Tomorrow I'll exercise. Tomorrow I'll eat better because tomorrow I'll be 34 years and one day old. Today, however, I'm still 34. When you're just 34, calories don't count. I think it might even be a law.
Chocolate cake, ice cream, red meat, and garlic mashed potatoes, here I come!
(By the way, be sure to tune in to tomorrow's post. Assuming I finish The Bricklayer tonight, I will be posting a review of the book and announcing a two-copy giveaway.)
