To: The World
From: Miss Dizzy
Re: The spinning
Please stop it! I'm begging you. I don't know what I did to piss you off, but I don't think that I have ever been as dizzy as I am today. I'm having to hold onto both sides of the stairwell every time I take the dogs out, and I was so scared of slicing open an artery this morning that I wouldn't even pick up the razor in the shower. Therefore, I apologize for whatever I did to make you lash out at me. Now please, please, please stop the spinning.
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To: Your Royal Highness
From: Your sister
Re: Your questionable parenting
Look, I know that every now and then you get in these manic type of moods where you think it's okay to stay up all night with your son, giggling, and doing really stupid things like drawing all over him with a magic marker or forcing him to put on one of Mama's old nightgowns from the 70's. I also know that you don't think there is anything wrong with doing so. Maybe when your son doesn't have to go to school the next day you are somewhat right. I say somewhat because I've seen enough episodes of Dr. Phil and Criminal Minds to know that forcing a boy to dress as a girl, even in jest, can only lead to problems down the road. Therefore don't be surprised if His Majesty manages an old hotel one day where the customers mysteriously disappear from their showers and where you'll spend your golden years in a rocking chair in the attic.
Just the same, when your son does have school the next day, is it not proper parenting to have your son call me at 11 p.m. and ask me on your behalf how the two of you can light his farts. I'll tell you what I told him. You're just asking for trouble, the kind that involves his dick being burnt off or his underwear melting to his butt. You're also contributing to his sleep deprivation and, in turn, those bad grades you've been complaining about the past few months. How can you possibly expect your son to make A's when he can't keep his eyes open in class due to his mother's immature antics? He already told me at Christmas that he sleeps through Spanish all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if he's sleeping through some other subjects as well.
Grow up and take some meds already. I'm sure your son and his teacher will thank you for it. I know I will.
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To: Chain-Smoking Granny
From: Your granddaughter
Re: Your communication problem
I'm not psychic. I spent all of last week dealing with my dog's own orthopedic problems. How am supposed to know about His Majesty's? Her Highness only calls me when she wants something, like knowing how to light her child's farts. She doesn't call me to inform me of His Majesty's every ache and pain. Therefore, if you want to know if his ankle is better, call and ask him or her. Don't ask me.
By the way, I find it rather rude that you're in Atlanta, albeit on the other side, and you haven't once offered to take me out to eat. My birthday is coming up, just like yours. I suppose it's all for the best though. How many times did you offer to take Mama out for her birthday, only to conveniently lose your debit card and stick her with the bill once we were through with dessert? Uh, more times that I can count. I'll be damned if you do the same thing to me.
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To: Bailey
From: Mommy
Re: That look on your face
Is the world spinning for you, too, or did you find some alcohol stash that I didn't know I had? The reason I ask is that you look mighty hungover today, and you've done nothing but grunt and groan every time I touch you. If it makes you feel any better, Mommy feels like crap, too. I say we both take a nice, long nap and see if the world got my memo when we wake up.
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To: Bella
From: Mommy
Re: Your improved health
The tapeworm and hot spot issues aside, I get that you're feeling better today and that your walk is almost back to normal. However, your brother and I don't get to take magic anti-inflammatories/pain killers so we both feel like the big poo today. Could you hold off on hitting me with every toy in the house for about an hour, maybe two, so we can take a nap? I promise, if the world is spinning slower when I wake up, I'll throw the toys and play with you. Thanks.
Disclaimer for new readers: Bella and Bailey are my canine children, not human children. I forget sometimes that not everyone who visits knows that. Here's a pic from Halloween:
Bailey is on the left; Bella is on the right. Sorry for any confusion.
