Monday, November 23, 2009

Take a Memo Monday: Spammers, Trash, and Bathroom Fairies


To: The bathroom fairies

From: The woman with food stuck in her teeth

Re: Dental floss kidnapping

Please leave a note on the bathroom cabinet telling me how much the ransom is. I'll pay whatever you want. I just want my dental floss back in one piece before my teeth rot out.

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To: Blog Catalog spammers

From: Someone who won't be your friend

Re: The constant begging

Listen up, Blog Catalogers. I removed Adsense from my blog months ago so don't insult my intelligence by leaving me a PM saying you clicked on my ads. What ads? The invisible ones that only you can see when you hold your decoder ring up to the screen?

By the way, in case you missed it, asking someone to click on your ads is a direct violation of the Google Adsense Program Policies:

"Publishers may not ask others to click their ads or use deceptive implementation methods to obtain clicks. This includes, but is not limited to, offering compensation to users for viewing ads or performing searches, promising to raise money for third parties for such behavior or placing images next to individual ads."--per Google Adsense Program Policies

Keep asking me to click your ads or, worse yet, kiss them, and you'll be getting more than my middle finger pointed at the screen. You'll be getting reported to Google.

And one more thing. Telling me to visit your blog is a sure fire way to make sure I won't. If you want me to visit, add me as a friend. Compliment my blog. Leave a real, not a spammy comment on my blog. If you do any of those things, you'll get a visit in return. However, if your way of making blog friendships is to order me around, you'll be added to my list of blogs I'll only visit on a cold day in hell real quick.

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To: All DVD player manufacturers

From: A disgruntled customer

Re: Your cheaply made pieces of crap

I have had to take two DVD players back in two days because you think it's okay to make DVD players that don't last longer than five hours. Just so you know, I'm pretty sure there's a place in hell reserved for you where your eternal atonement will be to watch a bunch of scratched up, Disney DVD's on the cheap players you create. I hope you have as much fun trying to get them to work as I did this weekend.

_________________________________

To: Your Royal Highness

From: Your sister, not your secretary

Re: The fact that you're a year and two weeks from 30

Grow up! I mean it. Stop expecting me to be your unpaid secretary. If you want to find out what the woman from Half.com said, check your email or call her. If you're old enough to order from Half.com, you're old enough to deal with the fallout when the package arrives not as described. Furthermore, if there is something you want to tell the Toothless Wonder, tell him yourself. I don't take dictation. I don't know shorthand. I don't make copies or pour coffee. If you want him to know about your plans for Thanksgiving, you take your cellphone out of your butt and dial his number. It's that easy. Finally, know that I am not a mind reader, and, if I was a mind reader, your mind would be the last I'd want to read. Therefore, don't expect me to know that you have now decided to cook Thursday when the only thing you have told me so far is that you were going to Ryan's.

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To: Miss Wiggle Butt

From: Mommy

Re: The butt scoot

I know that the polyp is making you miserable. I have every intention of taking you to the vet and having it removed after Thanksgiving. Until then, could you possibly stop scooting your butt all over the carpet to scratch it? You're leaving a trail of blood everywhere, and I'm tired of cleaning it up. Just stick your hand paw back there and scratch your butt like a normal person dog.

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To: The Mighty Mister

From: Mommy

Re: Your love of spots

I am as happy as you are that the Big D is gone. However, I can't help but notice that you are trying your best this week to pee as much as you pooped last week. Could you try to keep the pee outside? I let you out 20 times a day. It shouldn't be that hard.

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To: The next door nuisances

From: The woman with the barking dogs

Re: The snot rags in my yard

My yard in no way resembles a plastic trash can so please stop treating it as such. I should not have to put on a Hazmat suit just to get my mail every day. If you want to throw your used Kleenex and nail polish-covered cotton balls somewhere other than a trash can, try the floor in your house, your car, or a grocery bag. Just stop throwing it at my house, or I'll be forced to collect all the debris, build a snot rag snowman out of them, let my dog piss and crap all over said snowman, and then leave it at your front door.

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

How to Look Like a Drowned Rat at Target

  1. Stay up late watching the end of a subtitled movie on Starz, just so you can see the hero go all jungle-boy-meets-McGuyver on the bad guys. (Kicking ass transcends all languages.)
  2. Wake up late the next morning, even though you meant to get up early to beat the Thanksgiving shopping crowd.
  3. Remember that you want to wash that gray right out of your hair later in the afternoon.
  4. Jump in the shower.
  5. Bathe and wet your hair. Do not wash it unless you want to risk the hair color reacting badly with your scalp and causing bald spots just in time for Christmas.
  6. Avoid all hair gel for the same reason.
  7. Realize while drying off that, sans frizz gel, you have only a small window of opportunity to get to Target and return the piece of crap, upconverting DVD player that you bought yesterday before your hair looks like you stuck your finger in an electric socket.
  8. Throw on the first non-smelly clean clothes that you find on the closet floor hanging neatly in your closet.
  9. Slide on the least water-resistant shoes you own, like these suede slide-ons:

  10. Grab your purse and run out the door, completely oblivious to the drizzle around you.
  11. Realize a fourth of the way to Target that it is drizzling.
  12. Realize halfway to Target that you have no idea if you have an umbrella in the car.
  13. Realize three-fourths of the way to Target that the drizzle is now a borderline flood.
  14. Realize at Target that your Dollar Tree umbrella is in the floorboard behind you.
  15. Step into the rain and quickly grab that Dollar Tree umbrella.
  16. Open it up and take two steps forward.
  17. Cuss Say, "Oh, fooey," as the wind takes hold of the Dollar Tree umbrella and turns it inside out.
  18. Cuss even harder Politely ask your umbrella to work with you as you try to turn it right side out while holding onto a DVD player.
  19. Feel a momentary sense of relief as the umbrella seems to agree.
  20. Take another two steps forward.
  21. Watch helplessly as the wind turns the umbrella inside out yet again.
  22. Make up new cuss words Apologize to your umbrella for the inconvenience as you once again turn it right side out.
  23. Take another two steps.
  24. Feel a very wet sense of deja vu.
  25. Give up on trying to fix the umbrella and speed walk across the parking lot in the water-unfriendly shoes.
  26. Spend five minutes outside the door to Target trying to shut the inside out umbrella.
  27. Give up trying, tuck the wet thing under your arm, and hope no one notices.
  28. Squeak Walk your way across the linoleum floor to the Customer Service Desk. Ignore the stares and snickers as you do, and find some relief in the fact that you didn't wear that really thin, white T-shirt on your floor in your dresser drawer.
  29. Hand the customer service cashier the wet DVD player, while placing your even wetter, broken umbrella on the counter.
  30. Talk faster than Lorelai Gilmore as you attempt to divert the cashier's attention from the puddle of water that you have just created.
  31. After the cashier hands you your money, thank her, put your money in your purse, hitch up your wet pants, and then cross your arms across your chest, just in case the lining in your bra isn't doing its job.
  32. Squeak Walk your way out of the building, into the rain, and back to your rathole car.
  33. Regret the day you ever paid a dollar for an umbrella.

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Tofurkey and Gravy Soda to Go with the PB&J

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Jones Soda. All opinions are 100% mine.



Friday I received a free turkey hat and bottle of Tofurky and Gravy Jones Soda to try from Izea. I don't know why, but I was excited about the hat. I was even going to take a picture of myself in it, but then my face broke out--courtesy of my cable drama, I'm sure--and I decided against it. I wouldn't want you to mistake my face for a bowl of mushy mashed potatoes, although I'm sure mushy mashed potatoes would taste great with tofurkey and gravy.

I did, however, manage to get the hat to sit on Bella's head long enough for a shot:


It looks better on her than me anyway.

Right now I'm sipping on the soda, and it's not exactly what I expected. I guess I thought it was going to taste like a bottle of watered down gravy, but it doesn't. It doesn't taste like turkey either. While I gave up dairy for a week, I have never given up meat so I can't tell you whether the soda tastes like tofurkey (vegetarian or tofu turkey for you meat eaters out there). All I can tell you is it's not really sweet, not really salty, and, if I had to pick a flavor, I would say it tasted malty. All in all, it's not entirely bad. I would probably give a bottle to my nephew if for no other reason than he would probably think the bottle is cool. However, I don't ever see it replacing my morning Coke. Very few things ever will.

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

I'm Electronically Cursed

This post may be a repeat for those of you who follow me on Twitter, but for those of you who don't, it will be brand new.

I have had a bad electronics week. Basically, everything that could have gone wrong electronically has. The only thing that hasn't broken, exploded, disappeared, picked up a picket sign and gone on strike, etc. is my iPod, and that's only because I refuse to touch it until the electronics curse is lifted.

This is how my week went:

  • Sunday night: During Dexter, the TV downstairs starts making this loud, static noise that pretty much drowns out Deb's cussing, Angel and the Lt.'s flirting , and Dexter's thoughts on the Trinity Killer. I'm, of course, forced to watch the TV downstairs because I still have the 13-inch TV plugged in upstairs to see if the black and white problem transcends TV's. Have you ever tried to watch a 13-inch TV across a master bedroom? It's not easy or fun. Anyway, the static is so distracting that I spend most of Dexter sitting on top of my fireplace, switching out cords, tightening connections, and playing around with audio settings. Finally, around midnight (I was watching the second showing thanks to a late-running Amazing Race), I break down and call Charter. They tell me that there is an area outage but schedule an appointment anyway.

  • Monday morning: The static from the downstairs' TV has gone bye-bye so I cancel the appointment. I also get fed up with my upstairs experiment and plug my old TV back in. The black and white problem returns almost immediately. I then spend most of the day searching for a solution online. Unable to find one, I finally look up how to do a hard boot of that particular cable box. Apparently, the directions that I find are wrong because when I do them, my cable box ends up with nothing on it, nothing at all. No time. No guide. No shows. Nothing. I have to call Charter again. They send about three signals before one takes and schedule yet another appointment. Due to the dog diarrhea that is still all over my carpet, I ask that the appointment be scheduled for Wednesday. They concur.

  • The rest of Monday and Tuesday: I continue to search the Internet in hopes that I will find someone with a similar problem. I find a couple of postings on forums where the black and white thing had happen to people with Comcast and with a Tivo DVR. Their problem seemed to be solved by using the AV cords instead of the coaxial cable cord. Thinking that switching cords was the solution to everything, I tried AV cords and failed. The image on the digital and On Demand channels continued to change to black and white. Still convinced that it was the cords and that maybe mine were RG59's, which are only supposed to be used for analog signals, I ran to Walmart, Target, Best Buy, and Dollar General to see how much RG6 cords cost. Too much was the answer I got since no one wanted to sell a RG6 cord shorter than 10 feet. Frustrated, I returned home and went back to Google. For a minute, I was elated when Google returned a blog post about the same problem. That elation, however, quickly turned to embarrassment once I realized the post was MINE. I then gave up and went to bed.

  • Wednesday morning: I get up early to finish cleaning carpet. Not long after I finish, I get a call from the local Charter office asking me if I was still having problems with my service. I said that I was. The dispatcher asked me what the problem was. I told her. She put me on hold for a minute. When she came back on the line, she told me that the technician wasn't coming because he said the problem was the TV and that he told me this last time. I informed her that he never said it was the TV; he said that it could be the TV or it could be the box. She responded by saying, "Well, he says it's the TV now. He's not coming." I said, "Fine. Cancel the appointment, and soon as you hang up, I'm calling back and asking for a manger." Five seconds later she told me the technician would come after all.

  • Wednesday at lunch: The technician shows. He spends five minutes testing the line and royally messing up the settings on my TV. Then he tells me that it's the TV, that he won't give me another box, no matter how many times I ask for one, and leaves. I'm enraged and take to Twitter. The Charter rep on Twitter apologizes for the local office's behavior and suggests that I switch out the box with the one downstairs. I've done that before. I already know what's going to happen. It's going to go to black and white. I thank him for the suggestion, as I realize that I'm going to have to get a new TV, whether I want to or not.

  • Wednesday afternoon: I spend hours at Walmart, Target, and Best Buy trying to figure out what I can afford. When I finally decide that I'll have to go with the off-brand that's on sale at Best Buy, even though I don't want to, I can't get a soul to help me. I spend a good 15 minutes staring absently at the 26-inch Dynex that I'm going to buy while I wait for the rep to assist me. When she finally does, she ends up talking me into buying the bundled Monster HDMI cord/surge protector/screen cleaning package. Having skipped lunch and having only eaten a Nutrigrain bar for breakfast, I could have cared less at that moment that I could have probably gotten all of those things at Walmart for cheaper. I just wanted to go home, eat, and watch a TV that was actually in color.

  • Late Wednesday afternoon and Wednesday night: I call and schedule a tech to come out the next day and install the HD. I make the appointment for after lunch in case something ends up being wrong with the TV. I ask the Charter rep if Best Buy was full of it when they said I needed the HDMI cord; he said that they weren't and that I did need it. After I hang up with him and eat, I start to set up the TV. Wanting nothing more to do with the box that the other tech would not take, I hooked the cable directly into the TV. The cable tuner picked up 155 channels instead of the normal 96. I was happy until I couldn't figure out what all the other cords that came with the TV went to. After looking at the HD boxes on Charter's web site, I realized the what--the cable box. The cables were component cables that were used when the cable box did not have a HDMI outlet. From the looks of it, Charter had very little of the HDMI ones. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach and called Charter back. The rep assured me that if I wanted a HDMI box, I would get one. All she had to do was put it in the notes, and the request would print out on the work order in the morning.

  • Thursday morning: I wake up with the same sinking feeling but try to ignore it while I wait for my 1 p.m. appointment. At 11 a.m., I decide to risk missing Charter's confirmation call and go get lunch. When I get back, the Charter install guy is already blocking my driveway and waiting on me, almost two hours early. I go in, put the dogs in the bathroom, put up my food, and wait for him to finish looking at whatever he was looking at outside. When he comes in, he has what I was dreading he would have--the component cable box. I admittedly flip out. He claims that it wasn't on the work order but calls to see if he can get me one. The warehouse claims to have one left, and someone agrees to drive it out. An hour later he finally installs it. I'm less than impressed with the picture on the non-HD channels, but he tells me that's how it's supposed to look and gives me some kind of 10-day warranty that allows me to call him directly if something malfunctions. Not long after he leaves, I flip the receipt over and see that, despite his claims to the contrary, the work order does say HDMI.

  • Thursday afternoon: Having read online that you need a progressive scan DVD player or better on a HDTV, I attempt to switch out my 8-or-so-year-old DVD player with the el cheapo one in my office, which claims to have progressive scan capabilities. However, when I plug the component cords into the TV, the TV refuses to recognize the player. I freak out because I'm scared the outlets or ports or whatever they're called are bad. To test this theory, I unhook my DVD-R player from the guest room and plug it into the same holes. The TV miraculously recognizes it, and I realize that you get what you paid for when you buy a DVD player from the Dollar Store.

  • Thursday night: I'm super excited to watch Survivor and CSI in HD. The excitement is short-lived when I realize that the sound is dropping out every 5 to 10 minutes. At some point during CSI, I stop putting up with it and start trying to fix it. I change every audio setting I can on the TV and cable box; nothing helps. I plug in the old DVD player that was originally in the bedroom. The sound is fine. I think back to the sound yesterday; I noticed no drops then as well. I call Charter and ask what was I supposed to do. They tell me to call the install guy in the morning.

  • Friday morning: I call the guy. He tells me it's probably something with the matrix setting and that he'll come by and fix it once he's through with his other four installs. While I'm waiting, I decide to go to Walmart and see if they have a cheap, progressive scan DVD player. They have a $30 Magnavox one. I grab it and hurry home, not wanting to miss the cable guy. I go to hook it up, only to discover that the picture is so grainy you can't even watch it. I say a few choice four- and five-letter words, pack it up, and go back to Walmart. After standing in line at customer service, I return to the DVD player section. I quickly realize that what I need is an up-conversion DVD player, not a progressive scan, but that Walmart is all out of cheap HDMI cords. Refusing to pay more for a cord than I do the player, I leave empty-handed.

  • Friday afternoon: The cable guy still hasn't shown up at 4 p.m. The Twitter rep tells me to call him to see if he can give me an ETA. I do and find out that the guy still has two more jobs. He says he'll be here just as soon as he can. Soon turns out to be around 6 p.m. He plays around with the sound settings, tells me that matrix is usually reserved for external speakers, and that putting it on stereo should fix the problem. He also tells me that it's perfectly normal for the fan on the box to run nonstop and be as loud as it is (I can hear it a foot or more away).

  • Friday night: I turn on the TV around 7:15 to watch The Young and the Restless, which is on the non-HD Soapnet. You can probably guess what happens next. The sound drops out. At 8 p.m. I turn it to Law & Order on the NBC-HD channel. The sound drops out again. I'm close to losing it at this point, but I put up with it through Law & Order and most of Monk. Towards the end of the latter show, however, I've had enough and call Charter for the 100th time. The lady sends a signal that she hopes fixes it and tells me that, if it doesn't, to call the install guy in the morning. I express my concern about getting a new box that has a HDMI outlet. She assures me that I'll be able to get one, even if it means going on a waiting list and having to use a loaner, non-HDMI box in the meantime. I told her what I've been told before about the local office refusing to give you a newer, better box if nothing is wrong with yours. She tries to assure me that their policy wouldn't apply to a loaner, but I'm not convinced.

  • Late Friday night: Nearly an hour later the signal has not gone through. I unplug the box and plug it back in to see if it would work. It didn't. Not only did it not work, it caused the lips and the words to be out of sync. That makes me even more nuts than the dropped sound so I call Charter once again. I tell the new rep what's happening with the lip sync, as well as the dropped sound, the grainy picture, and a new problem that I had discovered in the last few hours (a very, very hot top to the box). The rep tells me that the overheating is probably causing all the problems and that I need to call the install guy. He then sends a signal to try to fix the lip sync problem until the morning. I'm so exhausted at this point that I don't even stay up long enough to see if the new signal fixed the dropped audio as well.

  • Saturday morning: I wake up, down some donuts I shouldn't be downing, get a quick shower, and call the install guy. The install guy tells me he has the weekend off, which of course makes me feel bad for calling, even though Charter told me to. He says he'll talk to the warehouse Monday and see if he can get me another HDMI box, but he can't guarantee that he can. Once again I voice my concerns about the local office being willing to replace a loaner that has nothing wrong with it other than it has the wrong kind of cord. He says he'll see what he can do, but I'm not feeling very assured. I'm also scared the hot box is going to burn down the house.

  • Saturday at lunch: I decide to go price up-conversion DVD players and HDMI cords since I'm up and dressed. I find out that, while Best Buy's players are about the same price as Walmarts, their cords are twice as much. Since my stomach is feeling extremely queasy from the donuts, I drive as fast as I can to Target or, more particularly, to Target's bathroom. I say sayonara to the donuts and then head over to the electronics department, expecting to see much of the same. Instead, I find that they have an up-conversion player for $7 less than Walmart and Best Buy ($33 on sale), but that the sale ends today. I spend 15 minutes debating whether to get it and the 3-foot HDMI cord, which was the cheapest HDMI cord anyone sold. I finally decide to get them, even if it means that I have to stick the player behind the TV to get the short cord to work, check out, and drive home.

  • Saturday afternoon: I turn on the oven so I can reheat last night's pizza (yes, the no-dairy experiment is over). I figure that I can quickly install the player while the oven preheats. I figure wrong. The first DVD I put in, the one from Netflix, makes all kind of crazy sounds in the player. The picture also flickers several times when it first comes on. All I can think is, "Ah, hell. Here we go again." I spend the next hour trying out various DVD's while silently hoping the oven doesn't burn the house down. I discover that some DVD's, the newer ones with zero scratches, hardly make any sounds in the player, while some, the ones that are dirty or scratched up, make loud noises. I also discover that taking the player off auto-convert and changing it to 720p or 1080i output solves the flickering problem. I calm down a little, but only a little.

  • Saturday night: I'm sitting here, typing this post, praying that my laptop doesn't decide to go the way of the cable box. After talking to Best Buy on the phone and finding out that they'll let me return the HDMI cord, I'm also thinking that maybe having component cables and a less sharp picture aren't such a bad thing after all, if it ends all the electronics drama. In a few minutes, I'm going to play that Netflix DVD. If it turns out that I hear the crazy noises all the way through or the picture isn't converted into HD like it's supposed to be, I'm going to take the player back to Target tomorrow. That means I get to waste another entire day on electronics drama and that a deserted island with no electronics whatsoever is looking better and better.
If anyone knows how to end this curse, short of moving to that island, please let me know. I'll try anything at this point. Magic potions. Salt over my shoulder. Even an anti-voodoo doll. I'm that desperate.

(Edited at 1 a.m. to say the new DVD player has now quit as well so I get to go back to Target tomorrow, which is technically today, and beg them to take it and the cheap, piece of crap HDMI cable back. Meanwhile, the box is so hot I'm probably going to have to unplug it to go to sleep.

Seriously...freakin'...cursed...)

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Another Example of My HOA's Double Standards

I've had my homeowners' association on my mind again this week, mostly because after next week I will want to put up Christmas decorations outside. The HOA has never said anything about Christmas decorations in the past, but I'm starting to think they might this year just because they seem to hate me for reasons that I have yet to understand. Now I'm not going to go all Griswold on them. My house won't be some bright, glowing spot on Google satellite maps. I just want to put up my usual holiday fanfare--multicolored, icicle lights on the bottom story gutter, a lighted wreath on my door, and if I really feel like going all out, lighted garland and red bows above the first-floor windows. I will probably also put out a Christmas mat, but really, who can tell the difference between a mat with dancing, Santa-hatted penguins and a mat with fleur-de-lis from the street?

So here I am, all stressed out about whether a little holiday cheer will incur the wrath of the HOA, when I see this neighborhood oddity, a nickle grey mailbox, coming back from the grocery store the other day. There it was, all bright and shiny, four houses into the subdivision and sticking out like a sour thumb in a sea of dull, black mailboxes. Seeing as I have read the covenants cover to cover, I know for a fact that all Mailboxes in this neighborhood must be exactly the same. That means if your mailbox rusts to the point of no longer being able to open, you have to buy another flat black mailbox. You can't buy shiny black. You can't buy plastic black, and you dang sure can't buy nonblack or watered down black. It's flat black and nothing else.

Since the mailbox is the fourth house in the subdivision, there is no way that the HOA and the management company for the HOA did not see it. Well, there is one way. They could have been driving past with their eyes closed, but given that there is a sharp curve right after that house, they would have driven straight into a creek a few seconds later. I haven't seen or heard of anyone doing that so, in my opinion, that means they have seen it and they just don't care.

Why? Someone please explain to me why it's okay for someone to violate the explicit mail boxes clause of the covenants, but if I sneeze too hard, the management company sends me a letter on behalf of the HOA telling me I need to clean up my snot in seven days or incur a $200 fine. I just don't get it. Either apply the covenants to all of us in an even-handed manner, or don't apply them at all.

Given how long that mailbox has been up--two weeks so far--I have half a mind to buy a Santa mailbox topper for mine, just to see what they would say. I'm sure it will be something that Scrooge himself would be proud of.

This sponsored post is brought to you by Mailboxixchange.com

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Friday, November 20, 2009

The Spastic Wanderer

Earlier today I had to take a progressive scan DVD player back to Walmart because the picture was worse on it than on my 8 or 9 year old, non-progressive player. On the way back from Walmart, I saw this guy near the stop sign who was jerking his hands and body all around as he walked towards me. I was a little concerned, not because I thought the guy was an ax murderer, but because I thought something was wrong with him. In fact, I was so concerned that I almost pulled over when I saw his right arm shoot out in and his body kind of lean towards the traffic. I thought maybe someone had hit him with their car, that he had been stung by a bee and was going into anaphylactic shock, or that he was having an epileptic seizure.

It's a good thing that I didn't pull over, or I would have looked a little stupid. As I got closer, I realized that what I had mistaken as pain or some side effect of a medical condition was a sad attempt at dancing. The guy was wearing those old headphones from the 80's, the kind that are big enough to even cover Dumbo's ears, and bopping or break-walking along to whatever was coming out of them, completely oblivious to the traffic around him.

On the one hand, I wanted to applaud the guy for doing what he enjoyed, even if everyone driving by him was laughing as hard as I was.

On the other hand, all I could think was, "At least it wasn't me this time."

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I Want to Sing. I Just Don't Know What.

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Popstation. All opinions are 100% mine.

After that conversation with my sister (see post below), I need another one of those nights where I crank up the iPod, sing, and dance around my house like no one can hear or see me. I actually have not had one of those since I wrote that post last month about doing the lambada while I dusted. I think the realization that the neighbors can hear me verbally strangling a cat singing put a bit of a damper on Careless Karaoke. However, given the amount of trash that I've had to pick out of my yard or kick back into someone else's this week, I think it's time for a little musical payback. I'm just trying to think of what would be even more annoying than the Divynls "I Touch Myself." Maybe all 100 rounds of "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?" "We All Live on a Yellow Submarine"? "I'm a Little Teapot"? I don't know. I think that all of those songs would annoy me so much that I would stop singing them before I even got to the chorus. If you have any good ideas, please leave them in the comments below. I can always put off Careless Karaoke until tomorrow night.

Meanwhile, if you can sing, you should check out PopStation.com. It's currently sponsoring a contest called the Big Deal for singers with real talent, as opposed to singers like me who just want to annoy their neighbors. Every week PopStation releases an original PopStation song in each genre of music and makes the song available to you in one of its practice rooms. If you like the song and want to record it, you go into the practice room; rehearse the song using the lyric sheets, demos, backtracks, and videos that PopStation gives you; download the instrumental version of the song and the PopStation Studio when you're ready to record; record your take as an MP3 file; upload it to PopStation; and enter the contest. If your song wins the Big Deal, you'll spend three nights in a luxury New York hotel and two days in a New York recording studio recording an album. That could very well be the foot in the music world's door that you need.

The contest just reminded me of my sister since she has this t-shirt that says, "I'm kind of a big deal." Well, she got the big part right. (Yes, I'm feeling mean today.) Maybe I need a good song to sing around her, too. Right now the only thing I can think of is "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." It's not exactly annoying, but it is accurate.

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Please Send Me Back to the Cabbage Patch

Peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving is looking better and better. It may not be festive, but I can always buy a turkey shaped cookie cutter and make it a little more Thanksgiving like. Plus, it's a lot less nauseating than sitting through a meal with my sister.

I just got off the phone with my sister. She had called to complain about my grandmother and the bill situation--as expected, my grandmother is expecting her to pay everything, not just her portion of the bill--and ended up asking me about her upcoming cruise. Months ago, she had asked me if I would babysit Chandler while she was on the cruise. I said that I would if I had not found a job by then and if I had nothing else planned.

Flash forward a few months. I have realized that I should have explicitly stated the other condition; I'll do it if she pays for my gas and gives me money to feed her child. It's going to take me around $100 to drive there and back, and I know Chandler is going to expect to eat out everyday. That's probably going to be another $100.

I told her this condition today. She refused to meet it. She said I could just stay at our grandmother's from Thanksgiving until her cruise on the 15th. Right. Because I don't need to put up a Christmas tree. I don't need to Christmas shop. I don't need to look for a job, take my dog to the vet to have that polyp cut off of her butt, breathe air that's not laden with cigarette smoke, or anything else that would involve putting me or my dogs first. No, I just need to stay at my grandmother's for the entire month of December and take care of my nephew so my sister can go out and party like it's 1999.

Yes, that's definitely what I need to do.

Selfish you know what.

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Another Thursday Thunk It, Plus a Blog Award

I really enjoyed answering the Thursday Thunks questions last week so I decided to participate in the prompt again this week. I'm sorry that it's going up a little late in the day, but I've had more cable drama that I'll wait to write about until tomorrow. Today's Thursday Thunks are brought to you by Kimber, the color of a clown fish, and the number 10595. (No, I have no idea what any of that means. I'm just repeating the info from Thursday Thunks.)

1. If you won a brand new house in a Dream House Giveaway would you move into it, sell it to pay the taxes and make a profit, rent it out, or give it to a family member/friend who might need it?

That one's easy. I'd move in a heartbeat so long as my neighbors did not decide to move with me. In case you're new to this blog, I currently live smack in the middle of the Village of the Damned. I might try to sell the Dream House while I'm living in it, but I would not--repeat, would not--hire Little Miss Snippy Pants as my realtor.

2. Are you good at billards?

How do you define good? If you define it as being able to make the balls fly through the air with the greatest of ease, then yes, I'm good. In fact, I rock. If you define it as actually making the balls go where they're supposed to, which I assume is in the holes on the pool table, then the answer is no, I'm not good. I'm not even close.

3. Does anyone on the planet really want to see Levi Johnston naked in Playgirl (other than when Bristol Palin did)?

Uh, no. I would prefer not to go blind by 34, thank you very much. Hef needs to take time out from those ditsy twins and the Holly replacement and fire whoever at Playgirl thought that anyone would want to see Mr. Johnston's Johnson.

4. Is your phone ringing right now?

No.

5. Do you think man has eaten or tried to eat every type of animal on the face of the earth at one point or another? If not, what don't you think man has tried?

No. I don't think he has tried porcupine because the spines would be a bitch to swallow and could very well slice the jugular on the way down.



6. The new movie Avatar has been showing sneak peeks and been hyped to the max. Will you see it?

Yes, when it comes to Netflix. Until then I'll just continue to wonder if it has anything to do with the Avatar cartoon my nephew used to watch.

7. If a slightly bigger fish eats a small fish, then a bigger fish immediately eats that one, then an even bigger fish immediately eats that fish and then finally a huge fish eats the one that just ate that fish and it gets caught by you... how many meals will you have from that one fish?

None. I'm allergic to fish.

8. If you had an appointment with the doctor and all the plants in the office were dead, would you still see the doctor?

Yes, but I would never ask the doctor's receptionist to watch my dogs.

9. Have you ever seen the number 666 in a dream?

Yes, every time I have a nightmare dream about my sister. She has it tattooed in invisible ink across her forehead.

10. "At 20 years of age the will reigns, at 30 the wit, at 40 the judgment."~ Benjamin Franklin. So what happens at 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100?

At 50, the hot flashes reign. At 60, the wrinkles. At 70, the arthritis. At 80, the Tylox. At 90, the restricted menu at the nursing home. At 100, the nurse who holds a mirror up to your face to see if you're still breathing.

11. Would you want your phone number to be (area code) 123-4567?

No, but I would want it to be 867-5309, at least for a week, even if that meant I'd have to change my name to Jenny.

If you want to read others' answers to this week's Thursday Thunks, be sure to check out the links on the Thursday Thunks blog.

_____________________



Now onto the blog award. I have turned into a super procrastinator when it comes to posting these things. It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's just Staci forgetting she needs to pass on a blog award.

This award, the Superior Scribbler Award, comes courtesy of April at Crazy Little Thing Called Life, who I want to give a big thanks to for thinking of me as a "superior scribbler."

The rules are as follows:
  1. Each Superior Scribbler must pass the award on to 5 deserving blog friends.
  2. The Scribbler must link to the Scribbler who gave him or her the award.
  3. The Scribbler must display the blog and link to this post, which explains the award.
  4. The Scribbler must add his or her name to the McLinky list on that blog post. (I misunderstood this one and thought it meant on the post of the person who gave it to you. Now I feel kind of stupid because I realize there was another blog involved. Nothing like adding your name nearly two weeks late.)
  5. The Scribbler must post the rules on his or her blog.
I'm going to pass this on to five deserving blogs that I haven't given anything to in the past:

I Do Things
A Lot of Loves
The Fly on the Wall
WAHM Resource Site
Inconsequential Logic

Congrats to all!

On a somewhat different note, assuming I can avoid cable drama tomorrow, I plan on catching up on everyone's blogs tomorrow. I'm sorry I haven't been dropping by as much, but I swear if it's not one thing breaking around here (dog's digestive system), it's another (my tv). I want just one non-stressful week. Thanks to Thanksgiving, it probably won't be next week, but a girl can always hope.

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RegWork and the Work I Have to Come

If you read yesterday's post, you know that I've been having to deal with the after effects of a sick dog. The sun finally came out today (in the literal sense, not figurative), and it made me realize a couple of things. (1) The carpet is still wet two days later. (2) There are still some poo stains that need to be even wetter.

I swear that I went over those spots about 20 times Tuesday night, and they're still not clean. It may take another 20 passes before they are. I guess I should have added this little tip to yesterday's post: steam clean sooner rather than later, even if you have to repeat the cleaning the very next day. Your light-colored carpet will thank you.

You know what else will thank you from a regular cleaning? Your computer registry. Just because you delete unwanted files from your computer on a regular basis doesn't mean that you're also deleting every remnant of them from your windows registry. Usually traces of the files stay behind, kind of like that brown stuff on my carpet, and cause your computer to run slow. You need to run a registry cleaner on a regular basis in addition to a program like Disk Cleanup to keep your computer in prime condition. Regwork is a free program that won't only clean your registry for you, it will repair registry errors as well. To use it or to learn more, check out Regwork at Regwork.com.

This sponsored post was written by me on behalf of RegWork.com.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Coping When Your Dog Has the Big D 101

Towards the end of last week, I had to deal with a sick dog. Every time Bailey ate, his food ran through him about 15 minutes later. For three days, all it seemed like I could do was clean up liquefied doggy poo. When I wasn't cleaning, I was trying everything I knew how to do to, uh, stop the stinky flow. I fed Bailey bland food. I tried to feed him canned pumpkin. I gave him probiotics and Imodium AD, yet nothing would stop the Big D. I finally had to take him to the vet Saturday morning. A bottle of antibiotics, several shots full of fluid, and $68 later, and Bailey's digestive system is finally back to normal.

I figured since it's flu season, I probably won't be the only one whose dog has the runs. Thus, I've come up with these 10 tips or words of wisdom to help you through your own craptastic days:
  1. When your dog is sick, it is pretty much a guarantee that the last place that you think he'll go is the first place, like all the way down the staircase.
  2. It is also pretty much a guarantee that he will subsequently mistake your bed or your sofa for toilet paper.
  3. Calling the diarrhea holy over and over again won't make it smell better, any more divine, or go away. It also won't summon choir bells, even if the mess makes you feel like someone is hitting your head with one.
  4. Cleaning the diarrhea by hand is pointless. All you do is push the mess further into the carpet and create poo art. Case in point:



    If you squint hard enough and do a couple of shots before you look at it, you might even be able to see an image of the Virgin Mary.
  5. Learn to make friends with your steam cleaner. I have. In fact, I have learned that my Hoover's favorite color is blue, that his favorite show is Clean House, and that he likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, just so long as he's not plugged in.
  6. If you're going to boil chicken for your sick dog, make sure you remove the skin first. Otherwise, it could take hours.
  7. If you're going to try to get your dehydrated dog to drink water, make sure you shut your blinds first. Otherwise, when you're on all fours pretending to lap water out of a bowl, your neighbors are going to think that you've either lost your mind or that you're practicing your audition for bad fetish porn.
  8. Just because after three days of canine runs, you have grown immune to the smell does not mean that everyone else has. If you run into the grocery store to buy yet another box of rice and everyone you encounter backs up three feet, it's not fear of the swine flu. It's you and the crappy smell emitting from your pores.
  9. Some people consider canned pumpkin a miracle worker when your dog is sick. If he has diarrhea, it stops him up. If he is stopped up, it starts things flowing again. However, if you buy three cans and your sick dog won't touch it, it is no longer a miracle worker. It's a waste of money.
  10. When you have finally given up that canned pumpkin, chicken and rice, Pedialyte, and Imodium AD will work on your dog and you take him to the vet, be prepared for him to act 10 times better the minute you open the clinic's door. Then be prepared to sound like an idiot when you insist that his intestines had practically exploded all over the living room floor just 30 minutes before. Luckily for you, you won't smell like an idiot. You'll just smell like poo.

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Sponsored Tweets and Feeling Like a Cool Kid on Twitter

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Sponsored Tweets. All opinions are 100% mine.

I had a first this week. I actually had a celebrity follow me on Twitter without me following him or her first. I have only had one other celebrity follow me since I signed up for Twitter, Cesar Millan, and I'm pretty sure that was an autofollow bot, not the Dog Whisperer himself. Well, I also had The Tyra Show follow me one day after I made several tweets while watching it, but again I doubt Tyra Banks was behind it.

The celebrity who followed me this week was Kendra Jade Rossi from Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. I had tweeted something the day before about the show and costar Kari Ann Pinache's inability to wear pants that cover her rear end. I guess the comment was funnier than I thought because I got a LOL from her husband, Lukas Rossi, and a follow from her. That follow may not have been A-list caliber, but it was high enough up the celebrity food chain to make me feel like one of the Twitter cool kids and pretty much make my Monday.

So I guess if I'm going to be one of the cool kids, I need to make a commitment to tweet on a daily basis. I go through these spells where I'll tweet all day long for several days and then go several days without tweeting at all. Sometimes I'm funny, or as funny as I know how to be. Sometimes I'm completely random, and sometimes I'm stuck in the middle of Vent Fest 2009.

One thing I haven't tried yet is Sponsored Tweets from Izea. Sponsored Tweets allows you to get paid to tweet. "Cool kids" like Kim Kardashian, Holly Madison, Bob Villa, and Leanne Rhimes and regular bloggers like you and me participate in Sponsored Tweets every day. All you have to do to join them is sign up for sponsored tweets at SponsoredTweets.com; set your advertising price, category, and keywords; and wait for advertisers to send you opportunities to tweet. Here is an example of how you do that:

Picture-26-468x306

You have the ability to accept or reject each offer that you are presented, and you can choose to write your own copy as well. You just have to comply with the new FTC guidelines by adding a disclosure statement to each sponsored tweet. Once you accept and tweet, your account will be credited within 24 hours. You can cash out that account once the balance reaches $50.

To learn even more about the Sponsored Tweets program, visit SponsoredTweets.com.

SocialSpark Disclosure Badge

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Take a Memo Monday: Line Cutters, Thanksgiving, & Cable TV



To: The line cutting golden girl

From: The woman with steam coming out of her ears

Re: Last week at Walmart

Last week you cut in front of me and several other people who had been waiting to use the self-checkout lanes at Walmart. I don't know if you thought that your AARP card doubled as a Go To the Front of the Line Card or if the world outside your coke-bottle glasses is so fuzzy that you just didn't see the line. Either way, you and your husband could have at least asked if you could have gone first instead of just assuming that no one would care. Believe me, we cared. If you're able bodied enough to speed walk through Walmart--that's right, Senora Road Runner, I saw you swinging those arms--you're able bodied enough to stand behind us. You had better hope we never meet again in a bathroom line. I'll guarantee you that, should that day happen, you'll be pissing your Depends before you get my stall.

_______________________________

To: Your Royal Highness

From: Your confused-about-Thanksgiving sister

Re: Buffet or bust?

Please let me know if you're still planning on taking His Majesty to Ryan's for Thanksgiving or if you're going to risk death by salmonella by eating the Toothless Wonder and Step Skank's meal. I need to know whether I'm staying home and eating peanut butter and jelly that day or risking death with you.

_________________________________

To: Dish-hoarding granny

From: Your excuse-busting granddaughter

Re: The blame game

When I asked you about Thanksgiving last week, you said that you could not cook anything because your kitchen was dirty, and that you couldn't clean your kitchen because Tina's dogs would just mess it up again. Reality check time: Tina's dogs don't even come up to your knees. That means they didn't get all those dishes out of the cabinet. They didn't put the food on them, and they didn't leave them on the counters and piled in the sink when they were done. Therefore, unless you plan on cooking the food on the floor where the dogs will be, the only person you have to blame for not cooking a Thanksgiving dinner is yourself. Wash a dish. It won't kill you.

___________________________________

To: The toothless wonder

From: Your daughter with the sensitive stomach

Re: Your plans to cook a turkey

First, let me say that I know you are no longer toothless. However, the "bought-his-own-teeth wonder" doesn't have the same ring as "toothless wonder" so I'm going to continue calling you the latter.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the real subject of this memo--your culinary skills. I still remember the first time you cooked a turkey, that first Thanksgiving after Step Thing/Step Mother #1 left. You forgot to defrost the turkey the night before so you filled up the tub with hot water Thanksgiving morning and dropped the turkey in it. Now I'll admit that I'm not much of a cook, but it doesn't take an Iron Chef to know that a turkey soaking in a bathtub cannot be sanitary.

Let's also not forget what happened to the turkey after it had its "bath." When you finally got around to cooking it, you shoved so much parsley up its butt that the meat came out green. I don't know if you know this or not, but unless it's Saint Patrick's Day, a turkey should not be green. It really shouldn't.

Please tell me that when you said that you were going to cook the turkey this year, you meant Step Skank/Step Mother #2 was going to cook it. If you can't tell me that, the peanut butter and jelly that I mentioned to Her Royal Highness is looking better and better.

___________________________________

To: His Majesty

From: Your animal loving aunt

Re: The pictures you emailed me

I told you last week that, if you went hunting with your father, I didn't want to hear about how you killed a poor, helpless squirrel or rabbit with a bb gun. I thought that you were bright enough to get that if I didn't want to hear about your spoils, I did not want to see them either, even if I didn't explicitly state that fact. I can only conclude then that that bulb in your brain must have been set at a low wattage yesterday when you emailed me those pictures. I don't know which was worse, the picture of the dead squirrel or the picture of your other "game," dish-hoarding granny. Wait. Yeah, I do. It's this picture:

Please, never, ever, ever go hunting for an old woman again. Please, I'm begging you. The picture is still giving me nightmares. Also do the world a favor and hide the woman's cigarettes until she brushes her hair and gets some decent clothes on. There might be a Big Lots video game in it for you if she doesn't look like that at Thanksgiving.

___________________________________

To: The cable company I said could kiss it

From: The customer who is tired of leaning over

Re: Cable box #5892

Yet another one of your cable boxes has decided to go to black and white on your premium and On Demand channels. Rather than bring me another defunct box, I want you to bring me a box that does this:

No offense, but watching one of your repairmen get literally sucked into my it-might-be-the-tv-it-might-be-the-box problem would be far more satisfying than watching your premium channels in color.

_____________________________

To: The Powers that Be at All My Children

From: A vomiting viewer

Re: The remade Ryan Lavery

I used to think Cameron Matheson was hot. Now just looking at him hurts my eyes because you've turned his character into a preachy, back-stabbing, sanctimonious ass. I'm actually starting to like Dr. Evil more than I like him, and I didn't think that was possible. Could you maybe lay off the Ryan-is-a-god/Annie-is-the-devil storyline for five minutes and actually come up with something new and original, preferably something that doesn't involve killing off beloved characters and bringing on teenage newbies who can't act? And while you're at it, could you maybe lay off the whole Erica Kane-related love fest as well? I throw up in my mouth a little every time those two swoon over each other, and it has nothing to do with the age difference. Instead, it has to do with the fact that Erica is Ryan's kid's grandmother. If you want Ryan to visit Cougar Town that badly, why not have him drive outside his kid's gene pool, like, to say, Opal? It might make things a little less confusing for Spike in the long run. Plus, it would save me immensely on antacids.

___________________________

If you want to join me in Take a Memo Monday, just leave the link to your memo with McLinky below.

Here's the code for the Take a Memo Monday header:





Be sure to check out what aggravated inspired the other participant's memos!

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Bursting My Own Bubble

Yesterday I walked around in a good mood all day long because of a pair of pants. I have been doing this nondairy thing since Monday to see if milk has been causing some of my health problems, like chronic sinus infections, migraines, acne, and digestive issues. I had read this article online this past weekend that suggested dairy could be to blame so I thought, "Why not try going without it for a week? What do I have to lose other than a couple of pieces of cheese toast? "

Despite the fact that my ears and sinuses have felt better this week, I was not expecting miracles to occur, at least not in less than a week's time. That's why I was surprised yesterday to find out that a pair of jeans that I could barely button last week now fit. Not only could I button them, they were big on me, and they were sagging in the most unflattering of places. I didn't care. I was elated to have droopy drawers.

Then this morning happened.

I opened my jeans drawer. I pulled out another pair of jeans. I looked at the label, and then I realized that the jeans I had on yesterday were not those jeans. They were a pair that were big to begin with.

Sometimes getting dressed really sucks.

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

I'm Answering Questions You Never Thought to Ask

I'm having a bad case of blogger's block again. I think any original ideas I had for a post went down the toilet with my breakfast when the smells in Hobby Lobby made my stomach do a flip-flop at lunch. (Yes, I went back, and yes, that was more than you wanted to know.) Thank goodness for writing prompts.

I promise I won't turn this blog into the meme of the day, but this one looked like fun. I found it on a blog called Thursday Thunks. Every Thursday the bloggers pose a series of questions for you to answer any way you want. As you can see, the questions are very...uh...deep, and my answers are even...uh...deeper.

1. Thursday Thunks is written by 2 insane women (Berleen & Kimber) that have never met face to face yet are best friends. One lives in Minnesota and the other in Arizona. They keep trying to convince each other to move to their state. What color house will Berleen have here in Arizona?

I'm going to go with Earthen Sienna since it sounds Arizonian but is actually just a fancy name for beige.

2. Do you dream in black & white or color, and how do you know your brain isn't just playing games with you?

Color. I don't allow my brain to play games unless my brain first agrees to let me win. I may not be able to beat a nine-year-old at the X-box or Wii, but dang it if I'm going to lose to an organ.

3. Does bubble gum lose its flavor on the bedpost?

No. While I have never stuck my gum there--I've stuck it pretty much everywhere else--I'm pretty sure that if I ever did, it would not get the chance to lose its flavor for one of two reasons: (a) my dogs would eat it, or (b) it would get stuck in my hair. Plus, I always buy Extra, and Extra's flavor lasts an extra, extra, extra long time.

4. We're buying Underoos. Which superhero do you pick?

Do they still sell those? If they do, I'm going to go with Wonder Woman because those are the Underoos I had as a kid and because they matched my Wonder Woman bike. (Yes, I'm totally spinning around like Lynda Carter right now, just not in my Underoos. I'm sad to say that I don't think those would fit me anymore.)


5. Do you think if you yell loud enough while watching your favorite sporting event, it makes a difference in the outcome of the event?

I don't watch sports, but I have been yelling a lot at General Hospital lately. Do I think it makes a difference? No, but it feels good to yell for the millionth time, "Drop the damn Dominante paternity bomb already, and while you're at it, do something about Olivia's boobs! If she pushes those things up any higher, she's going to start knocking over the set!"

6. Is the word gullible in the dictionary?

Yes, on page 518 right between gullet and Gulliver. Surprisingly enough, my grandmother's picture isn't right next to it. Remind me to write Merriam Webster about that. They might be able to include it in the new edition.

7. If you could pick any currency to be the face on which currency would it be?

The $100 bill. My mother always taught me not to be cheap.

8. What was your imaginary friend's name as a kid, and did they ever annoy you or just us?

I honestly don't remember what my childhood imaginary friend was named. I do, however, remember the name of my current imaginary friend. His name is Dude. I ask him things all the time. "Dude, where's my keys?" "Dude, why does the kitchen smell like a rotten egg?" "Dude, did I just step in pee again?" "Dude, didn't I pick up this same mess yesterday?" He annoys me immensely because he never answers me back. Still I continue to put up with him because he looks like this:


What, did you think Dude looked like a lady?

9. Do you think it's ironic that the poop deck is in the rear of the ship?

I suppose. Here are some even deeper questions. Do you think they call the people who have to clean that part of the ship pooper scoopers? How many times a day do sea gulls poop on the poop deck? If I were to go on a cruise with my dogs, do you think I could get them to use the poop deck or would they just squat on the cabin floor? Do they ever paint a poop deck poop color, or do they sometimes get creative and paint the poop deck some color like Golden Flood? Yeah, ponder those babies all night.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Little Things That Can Make a Girl Happy

Like...

Hobby Lobby finally opened! Yippee! Have I mentioned how much I love craft stores? No? Well, I do, and when it comes to the good ones, I can go in and not come out for hours. They're like Walmart for us artsy types, and Hobby Lobby is definitely a good one. Sorry, Michael's, it was nice knowing you, but you've been replaced as my craft store of choice.

I had only intended to run in Kohl's, which is in the same shopping center, to see if they had electric blankets on sale. Then I saw that the parking lot outside of the new Hobby Lobby was packed. I swear I could hear Hobby Lobby calling my name the entire time I was in Kohl's.

Staci...

Staci...

Staci...

I had to answer, right? I didn't want to be rude. I told myself, "You're only going in to look." An hour and a half or so later I came out with two bags full of goodies. I got six black and white ceramic knobs for my dresser for $1.50 a piece:


Those same knobs would have probably cost me $10 a piece at Lowe's or Target, assuming I could have even found them there. I'm so freakin' happy I found them because I was growing tired of the way the dresser looked and had intended to repaint it. Nine dollars is a lot less than what a decent gallon of paint would have cost me, and way less than what paint and new knobs would have cost. Now I don't have to paint. Yay for me!

I also got this metal wall hanging thing for half off ($4 total). I plan on hanging it where that clock I wanted to take a baseball bat to now hangs:


Pardon the lighting in the photo. I think I have established by now that the flash on my camera hates me, especially on rainy days. The real item is not orange. It's more of an antique color.

In addition to the knobs and metal thing, I got a new print for the bathroom that makes the colors in there make a little more sense:


The colors in this photo are a little more true to life because I finally replaced the two blown bulbs in the bathroom. I'll figure out the camera sooner or later, I swear.

I also got a plastic wreath hanger. (Yeah, that one isn't that exciting, but all I had to hang my Thanksgiving scarecrow/welcome sign with was a brass hanger with Christmas tree cutouts or an ugly white sticky hook.) Technically, I really didn't need two bags, but the cashier put the knobs in their own bag. I wasn't going to argue. It made me feel like I got more.

If the weather is better tomorrow--the wind is nuts here--I think I may go back and buy the black and white ceramic light switch plates that go with the knobs. I almost got them today but put them back. I told myself that I didn't need to spend the money, but now that I'm sitting here thinking about them, I wish I hadn't. I mean when will I ever find ceramic switch plates for $3.99 or less? Uh, probably never.

Luckily, I have run out of room in my house to put knick knacks. Hobby Lobby had so many French themed items I could have walked out of there with ten bags, and don't even get me started about the lamps that were half off. I have no room for them, but it didn't stop me from drooling. Then there was the fabric section...

Now if I can just stop calling the store Holly Hobbie.

Obviously, they're not the same thing. I think I keep calling the store "Holly Hobbie" or "Holly Lobby" because I had a Holly Hobbie comforter as a kid (the pink one, not the yellow one like all my classmates), LOL. It's a good thing I'm not writing it on a check.

The things that don't make a girl happy...

Electric blankets. Mine finally croaked out on me. I need a new one, but I refuse to pay $80 and up for a queen-sized one. I guess Sunbeam missed the fact that we're in a recession. Who has $80 or more to spend on a blanket that won't last more than a year or a couple of washings? I didn't even pay that much for my comforter, and you can see it. I think I'm just going to go back to Walmart tomorrow on my way to Hobby Lobby and get the alternative down blanket they had on clearance. If I need any more warmth than that, I'll just give Bella part of my sweet potato again, shove her under the covers, and wait for the hot air to dispense.

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