To: Chain Smoking Granny
From: Someone who likes her pets to only have four legs
Re: The spiderweb situation
Yesterday I was dusting the chandelier in my kitchen when I had a flashback to Thanksgiving and in particular to that gigantic spiderweb that was on the chandelier above the bed that you expected me to sleep in. When I asked you to dust the chandelier or get something to get off the spiderweb, you asked me, "Can't you just live with it?" I ended up having to remove the web myself to keep from having to share the bed with your eight-legged friend.
Anyway, that flashback had me thinking about Christmas. Knowing your propensity to dust only once every ten years, I have a feeling that spiderweb is right back above the guest bed, and you're just too busy smoking and talking on the phone to do anything about it. Consequently, here is my Christmas present to you: a warning. Should that spider web still be hanging above the bed next week and should you still be too lazy to remove it, His Majesty and I will be going to the pet store the minute it opens December 26, and I'm going to let him pick out the biggest, fattest, whitest lab rat in the store. Then we're going to come back to your house, set the rat free in your bed, and ask you, "Can't you just live with it?"
I wonder what your answer will be to that question.
_______________________________
To: Reach
From: Miss Tight Teeth Flosser
Re: Your sensitive gum floss
Last week I was forced to buy your sensitive gum dental floss because Walmart was out of the dental floss I liked. Having sensitive teeth and gums, I thought it was a good buy. Then I got home, opened it, and found out that I would be flossing with yarn. Please explain to me how yarn is good for sensitive gums. Yeah, it's soft, but it's also so thick that sooner or later the only way I'm going to be able to get it out between my tightly spaced teeth is to yank off a crown. Thus, I really think that you should rethink your marketing strategy and rename your product "Floss for Gaps the Size of the Grand Canyon." It's a little more accurate than "Floss for Sensitive Gums."
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To: Your Royal Highness
From: Your tired-of-being-blamed sister
Re: Your dead Christmas tree
Last night His Majesty Skyped me to say your tree had died while you were on your cruise, and then he made this sad, puppy dog face that I'm sure you coached him how to do. I guess that means that somehow you think it's my fault that your tree died. Well, guess what, little sister. It's not. I didn't tell you to go on a cruise. I didn't tell you to buy a live tree before you did, and I'm not the one who forgot to remind the Toothless Wonder and Chain Smoking Granny to water it. I called the Toothless Wonder everyday to remind him to take out your dogs. At no time prior to leaving for your trip did you ever tell me to remind him to water the tree, too. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times--I am not a mind reader. Could you maybe write that fact down this time and staple the note to your forehead? That way, the next time you go on vacation and expect me to take up the slack, you might remember to tell me everything you want me to do.
By the way, buy a new tree. You can afford it. Better yet, just go get a plastic one you don't have to water.
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To: Advertisers who haven't read/don't care about the new FTC guidelines
From: Someone who has read them and who does care
Re: Your continued insistence that bloggers not disclose
The new guidelines require bloggers to clearly and conspicuously disclose the relationship between them and their advertisers when they get paid by said advertisers to write posts about their products or services. To me, a sitewide policy is neither clear nor conspicuous because it does not speak to that particular relationship; it only speaks to a possibility of a relationship between the blogger and any hypothetical advertiser.
I don't care that some FTC rep gave an interview to a blogger saying bloggers won't get slapped with a huge fine the first time out and that sitewide disclosure may be okay in some circumstances. That interview has no legal significance whatsoever. The FTC can change their minds tomorrow and starting handing out fines faster than a meter maid hands out parking tickets, and there is nothing that neither you nor I can do about it.
Therefore, if you expect me to write a post on your product or service, you better expect me to clearly and conspicuously disclose in the post itself that you are sponsoring the post. If you choose to penalize me for doing what the law requires, don't be surprised if a little birdie flies by the FTC offices and tells them all about it. The birds around here are quite chatty like that. They might even fly by the Google offices for tea and bird seed afterward.
_____________________________
To: My left lamp
From: The lady who keeps fixing you
Re: Your inability to stay still
Could you please stop coming unscrewed? I'm tired of taking you apart and fixing you. Your match on the other side of the bed never gives me any problems, and I rewired it with the exact same kit. Why do you have to be so troublesome? Is it some kind of good twin/bad twin thing? If so, get over, go to lamp therapy, and be still already. Otherwise, I'm hauling out the super glue.
______________________________
To: The obsessive-compulsive cocker spaniel
From: Mommy
Re: The small box under the tree
I hate to break it to you, but just because a box is small and smells like rubber does not mean that the box contains a rubber ball or the gift is for you. It might contain something like a watch for your two-legged cousin. I'm begging you to please leave the box alone, or I'm going to email Santa myself and tell him to put you on his canine naughty list. Then the ball you actually might get is going back to Santa's toy shop.
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To: The Mighty Mister
From: Mommy
Re: The Christmas tree
The tree is not a fire hydrant. Please stop treating it as such, or you'll be joining your sister on the naughty list.
