To: My loyal readers
From: This holiday slacker
Re: Take a Memo Monday
The title of this post is a little misleading. I didn't actually forget to do the Take a Memo Monday post this past Monday. I just didn't feel like writing anything after all those hours on the interstate. Sorry about that. This one probably won't be as long as normal because another Monday is just around the corner. I need to leave a few topics for the regular edition.
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To: Your Royal Highness
From: Your tongue-biting sister
Re: Your cruise wardrobe
Where do I begin?
First, let's start with the style of the wardrobe or, more particularly, with the style of the swimsuit. In case you haven't heard, string bikinis are privileges, not rights. Just because you plan on pairing the string bikini bottom with a tankini top does not magically transform that privilege into a right. Neither does the fact that you'll probably be too drunk to notice that you haven't been a Size 2 in 10 years. No one--drunk, sober, male, female, in America, or over international waters--wants to see your beer belly hanging over two tiny, little, nylon-polyester strings, bopping in unison to the choppy waters. You might very well put a couple of boaters' eyes out with that thing. Can you please do your fellow boaters a favor and at least buy a normal tankini bottom? If not, let it be known that I will not be representing you when they sue you for gross--emphasis on the gross--negligence.
And while we're on the subject of grossness, let's move on to the color of that bathing suit. What on earth made you think you could wear a white one? Seriously, did you forget that you're a brunette in more places than one? Trust me. If you wear a white swimsuit into the ship's pool, no one on that cruise will forget it either.
Finally, let's talk about shoes, and you're inability to buy any that aren't made of cheap rubber and contain a toe-hugging thong. Could you maybe pick up some boat shoes or some type of shoe with better traction? If you fall over the side and die, I don't have the money to bury the parts of you they'll find in a shark's stomach weeks from now. I'll just have to stick you in a Walmart bag and shove you in Chain Smoking Granny's freezer until I win the lottery. I doubt she'll notice. Who knows when she last opened the thing, but you do run the risk of her deciding to cook one day and mistaking you for that ham she froze ten years ago and never threw out. I really don't want to know if you taste like chicken so, please, please, buy some real shoes. Thanks.
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To: Chain Smoking Granny
From: Your increasingly germaphobic granddaughter
Re: The state of your house
Clean it. Go buy some toilet paper, paper towels, soap, and any other basic necessity that you're out of. Then clean it again.
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To: Interstate drivers with spastic feet
From: The Camaro driver trying to go around you
Re: Your speed and lack thereof
Despite what you may think, it is not okay for you to go slow for miles, speed up when someone like myself tries to go around you, and then slow back down again when the now irate driver gives up on passing and gets back behind you. It is not okay at all.
I also have two words for you: cruise control.
Find it, use it, and stop pissing me off.
