Dear Car,
I think we need to talk. I couldn't help but notice that you have been acting out lately. In fact, it seems that every time one of the dogs gets sick, you have to try to out sick them. For instance, when Bella broke her foot earlier this year, you broke your air conditioner and started overheating. When Bella developed a skin infection and had a polyp appear on her rear end a few weeks ago, you nuked your battery and your alternator twice. Now that Bella has a bladder infection, you've made the heater go out. What gives?
Are you throwing these temper tantrums out of jealousy? Do you think that I love the dogs more than you? I assure you that Mommy loves all her babies equally. If I could bring you inside and let you sleep on my pillow, I would, but let's face it. You're a little too big for that. You can't even fit into the garage, let alone in my bed.
Are you ashamed of the nicknames that I give you? If so, I'll admit that the Redneck Mobile and Bessie aren't the most flattering monikers ever. I mean I wouldn't want to be associated with the punchline of a Jeff Foxworthy joke or a fat, slow cow that couldn't make it up the hill either. So tell me, what would you prefer to be called? I could always call you Cam. Granted, it's not that original, being that it is just a shortened form of Camaro, but it is better than the other two. How about the Dark Knight? Sure, Batman has pretty much cornered the market for that nickname, but if you down ten shots, spin around three times, and squint really hard, you could pass for the Batmobile...sort of.
Are you envious of the cars next door that get washed every other day? If so, don't be. It's flu season, and there is such a thing as being too clean. All that washing means that sooner or later, the good bacteria is going to die off, the bad bacteria is going to build up a resistance to the anti-bacterials, and then, with the good bacteria gone, they're going to take over. Once that happens, those cars are going to turn into a Nyquil commercial on wheels. I'm leaving you dirty for your own good. Besides, a light coating of dust merely gives you more character. Can the cars next door say that?
Is it that you want me to get your dents and paint job fixed? Is that why you keep throwing fits? Well, guess what. I have a lot more dents that need to be fixed than you do. In case you have forgotten, Dr. Evil botched up my nose and chin job eight years ago, and I still need to get them fixed. Then there are the droopy eyelids, the barely existent lips, the wrinkles I can't stand underneath my eyes, the yellow teeth, and the tracheotomy scar that I'd like to get done. Unfortunately, I can't afford to fix even one of those things, let alone all of them, so you're just going to have to learn to live with your dents like I have.
Are you scared that the nightmare dream that I told you about will come true? You know the one where my father and Tina's babydaddy repaint you to look like the General Lee. If so, I can promise you that I will never paint you orange and that I will never allow the Dixie flag to be painted onto your roof or any other part of your body. I'd sooner drive a Schwinn.
I hope that this little talk quelled some of your anxieties because your weekly temper tantrums are costing me an arm and a leg. Seriously, I spent $130 getting your heater fixed this week, and that's a lot more than I spent at the vet on the same day. If you wanted my attention, you got it. Now please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top stop breaking things and just chill for awhile. I don't want to be on a first name basis with the Goodyear auto mechanics.
Hate Love always,
