Bored to Death Mondays

I spent close to five hours yesterday reading other blogs, commenting, and returning around 130 Entrecard drops. As of 10 a.m. this morning, only about 30 people had even bothered to drop and run in turn, and I only had two new comments. Those two facts made me realize the following:

1. Blogging may very well be a waste of my time.
2. Entrecard may be an even bigger waste.
3. I'm incredibly boring.
4. The people of Blog World don't care about tooth pain, dogs, homeowner association rules, cleaning, yard work, my car, things I find in my yard, dumb things that I do, dumb things that my sister does, dumb things that my neighbors do, or anything else that happens in my incredibly boring life.
5. The people of Blog World do care about the dumb things that their children do, dumb things that their husbands do, computer know-how, inside scoops on the rich and famous, caption this contests, what-the-hell-is-this contests, cats, memes, and YouTube videos.
6. People who said they wanted to see a picture of the chair when I was done were only being polite.
7. No one got the "I should consider myself lucky that the hygienist did not like my bra" joke.
8. No one gets any of my jokes.
9. My blog has a bad case of comment cooties.
   

In light of this epiphany, I've decided to do the following to increase my readership.

1. Buy a mail-order husband online. If I can't find one interesting enough on clearance, I may have to settle for a lifelike, blowup one, like Lars and the Real Girl, only in my case it would be Staci and the Real Boy.
2. Adopt a couple of kids from China so I can join the world of mommy bloggers. While I'm waiting on my visa, I'll just borrow a few rug-rats from Octomom and Brangelina.
3. Teach my dogs to answer to the name "cat."
   
4. Master photoshopping pictures of cats' heads onto my dogs' bodies before posting them on this blog.
5. Go back to school and major in computer technology.
6. Apply for an internship with TMZ.
7. Scour the Internet for pictures and videos I can steal and post here.
8. Buy a bunch of junk at the Dollar Tree that I can give away in contests.
9. Stop talking about and/or posting pictures of my latest DIY project.
10. Stop giving daily recounts of my incredibly boring life.
    
11. Stop making jokes that don't begin with "knock, knock."

Since most of the things on my blog improvement list will take awhile to achieve and because I pretty much have nothing left to talk about, I decided to steal a meme from another blog. This one comes courtesy of The Blue Door. The meme doesn't have an official name that I can tell of other than maybe "Monday Meme", so I decided to call it "Bored to Death Mondays." It involves 50 questions that will bore you to death; feel free to fall asleep by the tenth one.

1. What is the color of your toothbrush? It's not just one color; it's three--blue, yellow, and white.
   
2. Name one person who made you smile today. The lady at Walmart who carded me for paint stripper and who then said I didn't look old enough to buy it. Either she was nearsighted as hell or the adult-onset acne was throwing her off. Just the same, it was nice not to be called ma'am or told you look 33 for once.
   
3. What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? I was laying in bed listening to my dog scratch herself on the floor and silently hoping that she and my other dog had yet to realize that I was awake.
   
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? I was calling the vet to schedule an appointment for Bella's newest health issue and watching The Olivia Show General Hospital.
   
5. What is your favorite candy bar? Snickers. I like to eat the chocolate around the sides first, then the chocolate off the bottom, and then finally the top, nuggety part.
   
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes, if an all-male review at a night club during Kappa Delta hell week counts. We left when one of my new sorority sisters found out that her ex-boyfriend now moonlighted there.
   
7. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Mommy's sorry she yelled at you."
   
8. What is your favorite ice cream? Mint chocolate chip when I'm not PMS'ing; chocolate chip cookie dough when I am.
   
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? A coke from Hardee's. (Carl's Burgers for you West Coasters)
   
10. Do you like your wallet? Yes, but it's time for a new one. Plus, I wouldn't mind if it had more money in it.
11. What was the last thing you ate? A Hardee's Thickburger and fry.
    
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No, but last week I got two pairs of jeans on clearance for $5 a piece and ordered a lightweight jacket for $30.
    
13. What was the last sporting event that you watched? Does the wrestling match on Real Chance of Love count as a sporting event?
    
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Caramel.
    
15. Who is the last person that you sent a text message to? My sister.
    
16. Have you ever been camping? Yes, when I was a Girl Scout, but we slept in cabins, not tents.
    
17. Do you take vitamins daily? I try to.
    
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No.
    
19. Do you have a tan? No. I had skin cancer as a baby so I slather on the sunscreen and try to avoid tanning on purpose.
    
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? No. I'm a Papa John's girl through and through, although I don't mind a good serving of General Tso's chicken every now and then.
    
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? Only if a straw comes with it.
    
22. What did your last text message say? Something like "Bailey no teeth." It was attached to the picture of him that I took after he had three teeth pulled.
    
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Taking Bella to the vet so she can pee in a cup and get some antibiotics for yet another UTI.
    
24. What is your favorite color? Purple.
    
25. Look to your left. What do you see? A purple wall.
    
26. What color is your watch? Silver with a white face.
    
27. What do you think of when you hear the word Australia? Crocodile Dundee and Jasper "Jax" Jacks.
    
28. Would you strip for money? It depends on the amount of money and whether stripper shoes come in a size 5. I wouldn't want to break my neck for $5. Not to be a strip club snob or anything, but it would also depend on the place. Don't send me to the redneck or homely girls club please, even if I belong there.
    
29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through? It depends on who I'm with. If I'm with my nephew, he makes me go in. If I'm alone, I go through the drive through.
    
30. What is your favorite number? Dont' have one. Don't care to get one.
    
31. Who is the last person you spoke to on the phone? The vet receptionist.
    
32. Do you have any plans today? To finish stripping my side table (yes, I just broke one of my new rules) and to watch Twilight for the first time.
    
33. How many states have you lived in? Two, Georgia and Florida.
    
34. What is your biggest annoyance right now? Bella's health problems, followed closely by the crack I have to fix in my tub...again and the ich in my fish tank that won't go away.
    
35. What is the last song you listened to? I can't remember what was playing on the radio in the car today so I'll go with the song that is paused on my iPod, Kenny Loggins' I'm Free (Heaven Helps the Man).
    
36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Not without a lot of thought, so I'd probably fail a field sobriety test stone cold sober.
    
37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Yeah, me. I just don't get to wear the cute, French maid outfit.
    
38. What favorite pair of shoes do you wear all the time? My Earth Spirit sandals. I don't care if they came from Walmart. Their arch support rocks.
    
39. Are you jealous of anyone? Yeah, Angelina Jolie.
    
40. Is anyone jealous of you? I doubt it.
    
41. Do you love anyone? My dogs most days, although today I'm ready to trade them in for a new model.
    
42. Do any of your friends have children? I really don't have any real life friends so I guess the answer to that would be no. My imaginary friends don't have any children either.
    
43. What do you usually do during the day? Lately, I've been refinishing furniture (there I go again, breaking that darn rule), blogging, and picking up the same mess over and over and over again.
    
44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? Yeah, the members of the tax appeals board who only came down a few thousand dollars on the value of my house. I'd like to see those idiots attempt to sell this place for what they think is the fair market value when I couldn't even sell it for half that. Better yet, let them come live here and get written up every time they fart. I also hate whoever let their dog take a dump next to my porch, failed to pick the crap up, and thus caused me to kick the maggot covered turd across my yard.
    
45. Do you use the word hello daily? Only if I answer the phone. Since it only rings once a week now that my mom no longer calls, I guess the real answer to that question is no.
    
46. What color is your car? Black with patches of white undercoat and rust.
    
47. What size wedding ring do you wear? I'm not married so your guess is as good as mine. Is there an old maid size?
    
48. Are you thinking about someone right now? Yes, the idiot builder who installed the piece of crap tub that I have to fix a crack in once again before I go to bed. I'm hoping his own tub falls through the floor with his sagging, naked butt in it. It would serve him right for not replacing the tub when the first holes and cracks opened up in the tub just a few months after I bought this place and while the tub was still under warranty. Obviously, his repair job didn't work.
    
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes, with my church youth group in high school. Now that I live in Atlanta, I want to go again, but I don't want to go by myself.
    
50. How did you get your worst scar? Tracheotomy in the 12th grade.

Now that I've bored myself into a coma, I'm going to go find some toothpicks, prop open my eyelids, and start searching for that mail-order husband.