Sometimes I wonder if someone left my sister on my parents' doorstep and my mom just pretended to be pregnant for nine months. That and a Miranda Montgomery type of baby switch are the only things that would explain how she is, in fact, my sister. Reproduction and DNA sure don't.Now I've never claimed to be a fashion maven. I like fashion. I just can't always afford it or fit in it. Let's face it. If you're short, have boobs, and are any size over a 2, the runway stuff just isn't going to fit right. Just the same, I still have enough pride in my self to dress decently when I walk out of the house.
Does my sister have that same pride? Not so much. Case in point: this past Thursday. Her Highness suddenly decided that she wanted a pair of black shorts. Instead of doing what any logical person would do in her situation--ask Mom for money and go buy some--my sister decided to go another route. She went into my mom's closet, dug around until she found an old pair of my mom's black dress pants, put them on, and asked my mother to cut them into a pair of short shorts.
My mom didn't want to cut them. Let me rephrase that. She didn't care about cutting them per se. The pants were old, picked, and faded. She should have thrown them out a long time ago. She just didn't want to cut them incorrectly and consequently face the wrath of Her Highness.
The thing about dress pants is that they don't lay the same as shorts. You can't just cut them off the way you can a pair of jeans and, voila, have a pair of Daisy Dukes. Even if you could, would you want to? I mean seriously, who wears cut off dress pants? The only person that I could think of was a Survivor contestant who got all dressed up for the cast picture and then got told by Jeff Probst that he or she would be wearing those pants for the rest of the show. A 28-year-old woman with an 8-year-old son living in surburbia, as opposed to on a desert island...Yeah, she shouldn't be wearing them.
Her Highness kept annoying my mom until she cut them. As expected, the pants turned shorts didn't come out right. The hem ended up slanting up the top of my sister's thighs. From the description my mom gave me on the phone, it sounded like they looked like granny panties with pockets. It wasn't exactly a look that would land my sister on any Best Dressed List.
Her Highness, of course, had a giant sized fit that I was glad to be on the other side of the state for. The next night she got dressed in a zebra print top and jeans to go out. My mom had never seen the top before and complimented her on it. Even if it was zebra print, the shirt was a great improvement over the black sweater that my sister wears out 90 percent of the time and raggedy, over-sized T-shirts that she wears the other 10 percent.
This is what my sister said in turn: "It would have been even cuter with those black shorts."
Seriously? No wonder she thinks denim cutoffs that barely cover her butt and crocheted ski boots worn together are a good look. She doesn't have a lick of sense, fashion or otherwise.
I kept asking my mom, "Why didn't you give her some money to get some new ones? Everyone is having clearance sales right now."
I even told her about the Sears clearance sale. Between now and April 18, the store is reducing fall and winter merchandise in its stores and online 75 to 80 percent off their regular prices. Even if she couldn't find something better than cutoff dress pants in the store, she could have probably found something online, like these city shorts:
Even though the shorts are not technically fall or winter clothing, they're still included in the Sears.com clearance sale. They come in my sister's color of choice, which is black since she started this whole, tanned Goth thing; her size; and her price range--$5.99. I can guarantee you that my mom would have gladly given her $6 plus shipping just to have one drama-free night. Heck, she would have probably even paid for overnight shipping.
Of course, the city shorts might be a little too classy for someone who thinks it's okay to dress like a teenager--don't even get me started about her affection for all things Pink-brand--even though she has a child who's not too far from being one himself. I swear it's like the older she gets, the younger she acts. At this rate, she and Chandler will both be in middle school by the time she's 30.
My mom did answer my question. She said my sister didn't want the money because she had already looked in the stores and none of them had short shorts. All they had were long shorts and, according to Her Highness, no one wears them.
My mom tried to convince her that city shorts were in last summer and probably will be this year as well. My sister just rolled her eyes, walked out the front door, and shoved yet another cigarette in her mouth. Like I said, the city shorts...way too classy.
Maybe I'll just order them for me. I can't beat Sear's low price or the chance to rub a black pair of shorts in her face.
