Then one day I got adopted by this uber-rich gazillionare who set me up with a trust fund that has so many zeroes in it that I can't even count them all. I got to access that trust fund when I turned 21 so I've totally been lying about being broke. The truth is I'm rich, even richer than that Trump guy on TV, and I party with Paris and Nikki every weekend. Oh, and all those pictures that I've been posting of my dogs. I stole those from some chic on Flickr. Here's the real picture of my dog:
Her name is Sandy, or maybe his name is Sandy. I'm not really sure. I've never looked. I have a house full of servants to do it for me. Man, I sure knew how to dress back then, LOL. Thank God Daddy bought me that red dress. It made for a much better picture. Unfortunately, Punjab can't find what Daddy did with it, so I'll have to post it later.
Seriously, folks. I think that's who my real estate agent thinks I really am. She emailed me yesterday to say that the buyers were refusing to sign anything that said the seller would only pay 1 percent of closing, whereas I was refusing to signing anything that said I would have to pay them $4400 at closing. She further said that she was trying to get in touch with the guy at Chase, but I should be aware that the buyers could withdraw their offer.
I didn't respond to her email. I wanted to respond with a, "Where the heck did that extra $400 come from? Are they wanting me pay their earnest money now, too?" but I didn't. After she left me with another cliffhanger Friday to stress about all weekend long, I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of ruining my Monday as well. Even though the email seemed innocent enough--from a third party perspective, it could seem strictly informative--I suspected, given the way that she has behaved the past few weeks, that she was simply goading me into coughing up money that she thinks I have stuck under my mattress or in that fat trust account Daddy Warbucks left me.
In other words, the email should have ended, "You should be aware that the buyers could withdraw their offer unless you meet their demands, which I'm advising you to do because you're lucky you even got an offer, you're never going to get another one, and they really need that money to buy some new throw pillows to match all the stuff I'm advising you to leave them. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to ask, you don't really need a sofa, a bed, and two dogs, do you? I would think you'd be fine with a sleeping bag and a pet rock. Ordinarily, sofas, beds, and dogs come with a house, especially a house being sold as is, because like I've said time and time again, as is means as decorated, and let's face it, lap dogs are the ultimate in home decoration. Plus, they match the piles of poo in the back yard. Oh, and the buyers would like you to throw in your computer and your underwear, too, plus pay for their moving van and a spa day. All this stress is doing a number on my daughter's...I mean the female buyer's cuticles so she coudl really use a mani-pedi. So could I for that matter so let's throw that in as well. Have a nice day."
I must have been right because a couple of hours later, she emailed me again, essentially saying the same thing. She can't get Matt to return her calls (can you blame him) and that I should be aware that the buyers could withdraw their offer at any minute. Once again I didn't respond to her email, although this time I wanted to say, "Lady, I took property law in law school. I think I get the point, and by the way, I am not stupid so stop treating me like I am. "
This morning she broker her email-only rule to call me and say the buyers withdrew their offer because they were tired of waiting around for HUD and Chase to give them an answer. Uh, Chase and HUD did give them an answer. They weren't coughing up $4000 for closing, no matter what price the buyers and my agent put on the contract. Just because they didn't like the answer they got or, in the case of my real estate agent, understand it, doesn't mean that they didn't give them an answer. Matt stated very clearly they he has to follow federal guidelines. He can't just reach into his magic man purse and give them all this money. For that matter, neither can I.
Even if I had the money, I wouldn't give it to them. I've never in a million years heard of seller having to pay someone to buy their house. I'm practically giving them the house as is, given its current value. Now they want me to pay them as well, and that amount has increased another $400 since they put in the offer? Yeah, keep dreaming that dream. They've had three months and two income tax refunds to save up that amount. If they were too irresponsible to save, especially in this economy, they don't need a house.
I'm awful curious to know why just last week or the week before, when I said I wouldn't give them the $1000 HUD check, that they suddenly had the money for closing, but only if we closed in 10 days, but now that money has mysteriously disappeared. Where did it go, spring break in Cancun? They are full-time college students after all, or so Little Miss Snippy Pants claims.
I'm also mighty suspicious of that withdrawal. So far they've acted like a little kid in the toy store who sees some expensive toy he wants. When he asks his mom to buy it, she tells him that she either doesn't have the money or he needs to wait until Christmas. The kid pitches a fit, but his mom still doesn't give in, so he pokes out his bottom lip and says, "Fine, but only if Christmas gets here tomorrow."
In this case, tomorrow has come and gone, and Santa failed to come down the chimney with $4400 in hand. Consequently, instead of waiting a few more days for Christmas to arrive, the kid has decided he'd do better to go to his room, gather his teddy bear, Nintendo, video games, and Legos, pile them all into his little red wagon, and run away from home to teach Mean Mommy a lesson. The kid is willing to bet that his panicked mom will be so gratefulwhen he returns that she'll have no choice but to buy him that toy.
I'd be willing to bet that the buyers are doing the same thing. Stomping their feet didn't work. Pouting didn't work, so now their running away in their little red wagon to see if it forces HUD to meet their demands and move faster.
Well, I hoped they packed some food in that wagon because they're going to have to wait awhile. Even if HUD were willing to give them the money, which I doubt, they're not going to do it overnight or in 10 days. They're the government for crying out loud. Nothing happens overnight. I ought to know. I used to work for the government, albeit a local one.
Do you want to know how long it used to take Judge Combover's secretary to get the county to approve our request for new toilet paper? Let's just say by the time they did, we'd be using leaves off of the big oak tree out back. If it takes that long for toilet paper, can you imagine how long it takes for approval of something a lot more expensive? I'm sure we're not the only ones asking for toilet paper either. Do the buyers care? No, they'd rather drip dry than wait for someone to pass them a roll.
