When I was in the third grade, I had a bad habit of biting my nails. The white part of my nails couldn't make it a centimeter past the tip of my fingers before I would bite it off. I don't know why I developed this habit. Maybe it's because I had to switch schools that year and my parents were getting a divorce; I don't know. I've never really psychoanalyzed the idea before, not even when I took Psych 101 my freshman year in college. All I know is that the only thing that finally stopped the bad habit was a bottle of the foulest tasting, clear nail polish that I've ever had the displeasure of wearing.Fast forward twenty-four years, and unfortunately you'll find that I've reacquired the habit. I just looked down at my left hand a few minutes ago and found that I had bit my thumb nail down to a raggedy stub yet again. Once again, I don't know why I did it. It's not like I don't have better things to chew on, like a pantry full of food and gum. If I had to guess, I would say it's because I'm stressed out about being broke and unemployed or because I can't get anyone to look at my house, but that knowledge has done little to stop the habit. My poor thumb nail, which sees the brunt of my neuroses, hasn't made it to the end of my thumb in months. It hurts, and it looks horrible. I can't even imagine extending that hand in an interview. Nevertheless, I keep on biting it again and again and again.
I guess things could be worse. Instead of biting my nails, I could be one of those people who relieve stress by pulling out all their hair and eyebrows. Then I'd look like a very bald, white Whoopi instead of Raggedy Nailed Annie. Whoopi still doesn't have eyebrows, right? Or I could be like my sister and smoke a pack a day, which would make me that much broker and smelly, but, hey, maybe then my sister and I could bond.
You know how at the beginning of the new year I said that I needed to come up with New Year's Resolution Number 4? I think that I just have--stop biting my nails. I just have to figure out how to do it. I've only had two thoughts on that subject. One, I could put a band-aid on my thumb nail, but I'd probably just transfer my frustrations to the band-aid and pick it to pieces or start biting one of my other nails. Two, I could go back to using that horrible nail polish that I used in the third grade. Believe it or not, they still make the stuff. Drugstore.com carries both a "Bite Free Nail Treatment" and a "No Bite Pro Growth." One sells for $2.99, while the other goes for $15.00. Guess which one I'll probably get. Ding, ding, ding. The cheaper one.
The store also sells a pink polish from OPI called "My Chihuahua Bites." I should honor Bailey and get that, too. I can use it on my toenails, and before you ask, no, I do not bite them as well, and, no, I do not plan on starting. Cross my heart and hope my teeth fall out if I do.
